Holidays...

I'm on Christmas "holidays" and it's just weird. I can't believe that Christmas is over and done. I can't believe I spent a couple hours at the mall on Boxing Day and didn't buy a thing.

I can't believe this year is almost over. I have been reflecting of late about what last year looked like for me and how things have transpired since "one year ago today". I can say that God is working me, and by working, I mean ROCKING... He is shaking things up. Literally. These last 3 months have been insane, hard, challening and yet, amazing. Considering the short amount of time it took for me to get from one place to where I'm at now, I can only imagine the next 3 months, or 6 months....
I care less about what people think and honestly stand on the FACT that God's opinion matters most.
I have a deeper longing and desire for the Will of God in my life -- and what He has planned for me -- more so than I thought possible. Better is ONE day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere.
Opposition DOES come from those closest, but, knowing the heart of God and having some friends share the same feelings can be really good.

--- I have had a LOT of people (including family) really question me in the reasoning as to why I'm not dating anyone, or married, or whatever else the societal norm for someone my age may be. I don't have an answer. I woke up a couple weeks ago with a verse though, God answered that question for me --- He wants me to be undivided right now. He doesn't want me to be distracted between a man and Him. He wants me devoted to him. It was amazing to hear that/read that/ understand that. It is SUPER challenging to just "be".... but in the process, wow. I've found relationships that I've really been "trying" in, those that I've been orienting a lot of life around and so called devotion to, have actually become easier and more honest. Relationships that feed off of me have fallen to the wayside and I don't care. It's like i'm shedding an old skin or old clothes or a bunch of unnecessary baggage.
I told one of my best people yesterday, that I'm letting go of the relationships and friendships that don't mean anything and pouring more energy into the ones that really do. They're what matter. I don't have to be everything to everyone, I just have to be me. Their response was almost identical to what I had been feeling but hadn't voiced. That conversation blessed my heart.

Needless to say, there are going to be changes in my life. Difficult ones for sure, but I know I have a good set of amazing friends to share them with, to endure them with, to walk through them with. Most of all, I know I have a God who has given me some amazing dreams and passions that I'm beginning to see pan out - and only because I'm giving Him control. He is showing me snippets of my potential. While inadequacy still likes to torment me, I believe in a God that wins, protects, loves, cares, and never leaves. I just need to keep pressing in.

and I will...

I'm spinning....

Life is insane. INSANE. Well, kind of.

I sure love it though...

This is the latest version of my world:

My days usually consist of work or rest with the social networking of my friends swirling around me....
I have two main groups of friends who are slowly getting to know each other (and crushing on each other).
I have two really good guy friends who communicate to each other through me. It usually goes like this. Jared: Hey Shar, can you invite Mark to join us for ______. OR, Mark: Shar, could you somehow get a message to Jared and get him to call me. He is invited to attend ____ and I need to talk to him. You see... Mark has a cell phone but no Facebook. Jared has Facebook but no cell phone. My Blackberry accesses ALL.... -- including friends in other cities. Sometimes Mark will grab my phone in order to instant message with our mutual friend in another city...

For some reason, I've become the central knowledge point of what's going on with everyone. I get random texts or messages from people wanting to know what's going on that particular evening, or if there is something, or if we could plan something and then get me to send out the messages. Oh dear. It's rather entertaining. My parents literally shake their heads cuz I am never home. I was at a games night a couple weekends ago and there were some people there that I knew of but we had never officially "met". In talking to them about how we know each other this guy says: "You know Shar! Everyone knows Shar. She knows everyone. The Mayor checks in with Sharlene before any decisions are made! Come on!!.... of course you know Shar!".
I cracked up. Oh my. Wow... Seriously.

My grandpa asks my mom if I have a boyfriend. My mom responds with "One? She's got about 6!" One week I brought home a different guy 3 days in a row (only for a few minutes to pick up something I needed for wherever we were going) and the guys come into the house and chat with my parents for a few minutes. I think after they leave ma and pa ask each other "Now which one was that??"

My car got toilet-papered Saturday night... so, I decided to get the guys back last night. I "pinked" their vehicles. I got them both, good (pink balloons, pink streamers, pink lei's). It was fun to be so sly - and the guys do NOT believe I acted alone. They will never know. Heh heh... Last night Mark asked me if I wanted to live to see 2010. This morning after Chapel at Teen Challenge he texted me to tell me that if I came to his office he wouldn't stab me. [-so, if i left without visiting him, i would have been shanked? He is a man of his word and he reminded me of that. After saying hi i did thank him for NOT shanking me... he told me that I came to his office so it wasn't necessary.] Jared on the other hand, thought it was a perfect pay back and perfectly executed. He was at volleyball and NOT expecting it then AT ALL. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Friday I am meeting one of the young adults pastors in town to discuss how I can work on a sermoning/talking. He seems to think i'll be a natural at it (from MC'ing at the city-wide stuff) and conversations we've had about what I do work-wise. He also seems to think i'd do a better job than him. HA! .. uh... right.... It'll be interesting to see where this goes though. It actually excites me because I have no idea where God is going with this... Yeah. Crazy. But... I know I'm influential in the group I am with for a particular reason, I know my friends see me as a leader for a reason -- I just have to really seek God out for that. And what's really funny is that my heart has been really discontented this week. Monday I really felt as if I need to dig deep into God and His word and His desires for my life -- and that day I chose to cancel my 'social events' for the week. No sooner did I do that then I got the coffee request from the pastor, and then I got a hang out request from one of my guys...

Work is crazy cool. I connect with youth and pour into their lives (or at least feel like I do) when I talk to them about the opportunity they have to turn their lives around. I have had 2 mom's cry on the phone with me this week about their sons involvements in drugs and the law. While I can't relate to them in that aspect I do think about some of my favorite people and how their mom's must have felt when they got into drugs -- about how I would feel if they got back into drugs. ... and then I talk to the youth and I pray that my words can be encouraging to them, that my words can spur them into seeking positive lives, that God can use me in this situation to push them back to "life" ...
And then I call a family after the conference to see how their youth is doing with his agreement and i hear "You know, Restorative Justice is the best thing we ever did. Our son has completely changed...." While I can't take credit for that change, I do know that I spent 40 minutes on the phone with that boy talking to him specifically about what he wants to do with his life, how he can get there, what are his dreams/goals, how a criminal record could wreck that, how despite his past and what he has lived through, he can take tomorrow and start living new with the purpose of fulfilling his dreams...

Wow, God. Wow.

Sometimes I wish Jesus were a person that I could touch - because on these days I just want to hug Him. Some days I need him to hug me, but mostly, I want to hug Him in thanks and praise for how He seems to be working in my life and providing ME with fulfillment....

Huh...

*reflecting....*

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

Repeat x10.

Wow. So true.

Some days it is easier to 'worship' than other days. Some moments are more n'sync than others.

I haven't cried much in the last couple years. Up until New Years Eve of 2008, I probably couldn't have told you when I cried last. But i sobbed that day. And then.. early June. I cried hard one night .. And then again one morning late September. And again 2 weeks later. They're usually heart-break/boy related... except lately.
God has been chiseling away some things in my life. He's really trying to work at my heart and I think I'm finally letting Him. But wow... it's hard.

I have a reason to worship.

God's asking me to put away my 'invincibility' cloak, my stance of independence, my "i can do everything" attitude.
He's challenging me, asking me, ... "Sharlene. If you live like you need nothing, if you present yourself as having it all together, where is there room for Me to work. Where is there room for a guy to even TRY to enter?"

wait... what?

Apparently I'm intimidating. Apparently guys perceive me as leaving no airspace for them to offer me something I'm missing. Apparently I need to be more of a 'girl'.
In my plight to consider buying a condo, I opted to buy a new car instead. A hot one at that. I recently found myself a job that may become a career and lead to further opportunities and life fulfillment in where God's gifted me. I have a stellar boss/coworker who challenges me to step into new boundaries and expand my wings (both in the job and spiritually. She too loves Jesus.). I am putting my fingers and toes in city-wide young adult leadership -- being encouraged by pastors from other churches in my 'natural leadership' as the MC for city-wide events. (These are people I have been intimidated by and looked up to respectfully.) I have found myself so immersed in Teen Challenge that I am now overhear "Oh that's Sharlene. She's a friend of the ministry. We are are allowed to talk to her" when I am seen talking to a couple guys in the program.

I have a reason to worship.

I appear put together and very busy. Appear.
Whatever...
I only appear that way because I feel as if it is expected. That if I don't, I look weak. I do desire a husband. I do want a man to be influential in my decisions. I want someone to challenge me when others seem afraid to. But... the appearance I have created gives guys the impression that they would have to be Superman in order to penetrate my walls. My defense? I need a strong man to stand up to this strong woman. I can't handle a man I can walk over. God? Got me here?
And then... God says this. "Sharlene. Desire a man who seeks Me above all else. Everything will fall into place after that....."
Um... too easy, Lord. I've met tons of guys who claim you as "everything" and "their purpose" and are complete idiots.
"No Shar. Above ALL else. Above their jobs, above their social life... it will be apparent in who they are. Those guys obviously don't seek me above ALL else."

So.. I thought about it. A man who seeks God above all else will represent that in all facets of his life. He will love his wife like Christ loved the church. He would die for her. He will gain a respectable job and work as though working just for the Lord, providing sufficiently for his family. He will be a father who wants to build his children up to be Jesus-seeking children and love on them until death. ... The rest will follow so long as he is seeking God above all else.

That is what I want.
I have a reason to worship.


I've met a guy recently who does challenge me. He is such a 'words' guy that anytime I say something that may be a slight exaggeration, or possibly insincere, he repeats it back to me in question. He's not afraid to stand up to what I say or do. It's a new feeling. My respect for him has increased 10 fold. He's no sycophant. He does NOT put me on a pedestal or flatter me so i return his calls/texts. And yet, he appreciates me and lets me know that who I am means a lot to him. Whether or not this guy will be 'the' guy matters not. What matters is that I'm learning there ARE those guys out there.

I have a reason to worship.

I'm learning that God has me. He has a plan for me. He's providing for me. ... I just need to keep my eyes focused on HIM and not what is going on around me. For this, I have reason to worship.

Meh, title schmitle....

1. What's your favorite line from a movie?
Umm... "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPACHINOS!" or...pretty much ANYTHING from Zoolander. Or Princess Bride. Those movies are LIFE to me sometimes..


2. What "group" did you belong to in high school?
I think we were kind of the "academics". No drugs, no hard core partying, all had plans for post-secondary education (and i think we all got a degree in something). I did float around to all the other groups though, I was able to socialize with everyone (thankfully).

3. If you had $1000 just for yourself what would you spend it on?
I wouldn't be able to pinpoint something actually. I'd rather take someone else out and spend it on them.



4. What was your favorite childhood cartoon?
Favorite? Yikes. Perhaps Inspector Gadget? [the GIRL had the brains.... ]

5. What kind of sleeper are you?
I like all positions...

AND.... 1sts.

1. Do you still talk to your first love?
If referring to the first guy i dated? We're facebook friends. I don't know if i can actually say "first 'love'". He was a treasure given to me at that time... Every guy I've crushed on since then has been deeper still. The current? Deepest yet, but also the most inspiring.


2. What was your first alcoholic drink?
Strawberry Margarita.

3. What was your first job?
Mc Donalds. Loved it.

4. What was your first car?
'86 Dodge Aries "K". It rocked my world for 6 years.

5. Who was the first person to text you today?
On Blackberry Messenger - got a "good morning" from Cam.
Actual text this afternoon: Mark

6. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
I can't remember...

7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Miss Reynolds.


8. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
I have NO idea. I was probably a baby, flying from Saskatchewan to BC. International? Perhaps Hawaii or California... I was maybe 5?
.
9. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
Cara Andrews. And nope .... My best friends since then? DEFINITELY.

10. Where was your first sleepover?
Wow... like anyone could remember all those elementary school birthday parties!

11. Who was the first person you talked to today?
My cat. or.... this youth at work - telling me that Starbucks wasn't allowed in the building. He was funny. Oh wait! The lady at Starbucks!


12. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
I was a flower girl in my uncle's wedding when i was probably 8. Bridesmaid in my brother's wedding.

13. What was the first thing you did this morning？
Check my phone for emails/FB status updates etc.... wondering if it was worth it to turn on the computer.

14. What was the first concert you went to?
Jesus Northwest. That was an amazing experience... The biggest names in Christian music back in '97. Camping. Cool people.

15. First tattoo?
July 10'07. "Jesus" on my right ankle.

16. First piercing?
My ears, when i was 4? Also got an earring at the top of my left ear with my best friend Kerri back about 9 years ago?


17. First foreign country you went to?
Is Tijuana MEX foreign? Or how about the US? .... Otherwise, Bonaire? OR many countries in Europe.

18. First movie you remember seeing?
Bambi!

19.What state did you first live in?
The state of being alive. A healthy state!

20. Who was your first room mate?
Sarah and Tanya

21. When was your first detention?
Didn't meet detention.

22. the list I stole this from didn't have a 22, so I guess I won't either!
23. or a 23??? random

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
Sign language. Or both German and French.

25. Who will be the next person to post this?
Meh... no one. I was just bored. And i stole it from Julie's site.

Fast Fall...

Wow.. It has been a while. But i don't think I have honestly been able to sit down long enough to post a blog - or maybe I just haven't been motivated to.

So...
Hello friends!

It has been a busy last couple of weeks! Seriously. But now, fall is going to get even FASTER...

1. NEW JOB! Wahoo! This job is a TOTAL answer to prayer. I had a peace this whole year in regards to where God was leading me because i KNEW He was leading. Don't get me wrong, there were moments when I said "I have NO idea what You're doing, God. I have NO idea what I will be doing this fall." But I did know that I had some options, some possibilities... but then, WHAM! God opens a door. It is NOTHING i could have done on my own ... NOTHING. And now, i'm more than excited for my future. .... The places this job could possibly open doors to is exciting. --- Like I wrote in my very first blog post, I love RJ.

2. Young adults. Wowzers.... I'm involved in 2 young adults groups. One being my home church's and the other, the city/valley-wide one. My church's young adults is doing a major re-vamp - going from having 400 young adults coming out to a staring over... We met Saturday to discuss what we want to see happen and such, and I'm excited for the 'casual' feel we want to take to start and see where God wants to lead. Our city wide gathering ("12") will be monthly *YAY!* and our kickoff is on the 25th. Somehow I was recruited to MC the event.... *gulp* but... it'll be fine. Even tho we're expecting about 250 people, they're all amazing, I know it! Haha.

3. Friends. Wow. I know some amazing persons. For real I do. I'm honored, daily, ...and humbled. I have my TC Boys who teach me things on a regular basis - their Wednesday public chapel I try to attend (and can with the flexibility my new job!). Aside from their jokes about how i'm not addicted to drugs - yet- , or haven't been drunk - yet-, or corrupted -yet-, they're continually holding me to a higher God-fearing accountability. I have been swimming in their staff house pool at 10pm (COLD!) and played cards there until 1:30am. I've been asked to help out with their Golf Tournament fundraiser coming up this Friday (I get a t-shirt! Score!). They are some of the most amazing men I have ever met. For real.
I have also been hanging out with another guy who has recently become a great challenging brother in faith. He has layed out some things for me to think about - nothing I can talk about right now, but encouraging yet challenging things.
I have a good set of girlfriends that I can talk to about anything and everything... I hang out with a couple different groups and do random events quite often. I can't say enough good stuff about my amazing friends.
3b. I'm planning a surprise party for one of my TC boys next week. He will be clean for 2 years and he's SO excited about that. I think it's pretty amazing.... it's the least I can do for him.

4. I'm thinking about taking the 'next' step in life and buying a condo or apartment here. I know Im ready to move out... and now that I am in a 'career' position, there is no better time. .. we'll see....

....
life is good. it's busy. there's something going on every night it seems ... but tonite i decided to opt out of 3 events to have a quiet night in.

-and no, no boyfriend. Just amazing friends who are filling that spot right now. They love me when I'm lonely, encourage me when I'm sad, and continue to push me to look to Christ for all things. I couldn't ask for a better place to be right now than where I'm at.

Praise God for that.

What is your worst decision worth?

One minute I was rejoicing at the amazing friends and people i have in my life. The next minute I'm frustrated with the accident I am coming upon just north of Spokane. All I want to do is get home. I'm exhausted. I was at one of my best friends' wedding the night before, got 3 hours of sleep and had just attempted 'rest' on 2 airplanes. Rest and I didn't get much facetime. And now a detour?

Ergh... So, as i'm Blackberry messaging one of my best guy friend's about how i'm frustrated with the upcoming detour and accident, i get closer.

And then I see it.

And it hurts my heart.

I get SO convicted. Here I am, wallowing over a few lost moments in traffic. A few lost minutes in daytime driving. And in front of me is a destroyed SUV. A yellow tarp over the passenger side of the SUV.

Medical personnel unloading older children from the second vehicle that sat crookedly on the edge of the road upwards of the embankment.

My stomach drops.

I continue to watch, our row of cars stopped in line. Ahead is a man, a volunteer waving cars one direction and then the other so as to keep the busy highway moving along the detour. The cars in front of me start to move and i eventually get close enough to see the man waving us all, his face exhausted and sweaty, doing all he can to not think about what was going on behind him. I roll down my window and shout a "thank you!" -- the best encouragement I could sum up at that moment as he urged the line up through faster.....

I drove away, those images forever etched in my mind. I replayed the fact that those young boys being pulled out of the truck one by one, probably 1o or 11 years old, were witness to something horrible. They would have watched the medical team go to that SUV and try to assess the people inside -- to try to save them. Those boys saw it all. They would have been driving along when all of a sudden,

*SMASH!*

their truck spins to a stop.

I can only imagine their thoughts of confusion, fear, and pain....
Hearing silence, then other cars pulling over, people running over and asking if they are okay. Perhaps a few screams and sighs of bystanders as they see the wreckage, the hurt, the devastation.

Those boys saw it all....

They will forever see it. Feel it.

and my heart hurt.

No. It burned.

I got so frustrated.

They call it an accident but there are really no such things as accidents. There are choices and consequences. Actions and reactions.

Why can't we take the responsibility for what we do (or don't do)? Why can't we hold ourselves accountable to the life we live? I am beginning to ask myself that.

I'm so guilty of texting and messaging while I drive. I can honestly say that I try to keep the typing to stop lights or parked positions, but I don't always. I've talked to paramedics who say that there are so many collisions as a result of people texting while driving. I can't sit here typing this and dictate how wrong it is because I know it takes away from the full concentration I should be placing on my driving and the potentailly hazardous driving methods of those around me. That would be hypocritical. I know i do it. I admit it and will take responsibility for my actions = but I would rather NOT see the worst that can happen...

I message back and forth with Cameron daily. I get mad when he's answering me as he drives so i tell him to message me when he's home and off the highway. Or I call him instead (probably not MUCH safer).

But how much is a life worth? Those few extra seconds of an immediate response?

How much is a lifetime of counseling worth? A few minutes of texting?
What is life without a parent/sibling/friend/child? A prideful ego so as to not get a taxi after a few too many drinks?

After driving away from that accident it all came out. My heart was bursting with frustration for the human race's selfish pursuit of convenience and pride. We build faster cars so we can thrill ourselves in stupid moments and wind up just killing harder.

We come up with sweeter drinks so that we don't taste the alcohol that is really destroying our insides and clogging our judgement.

We insist on driving home after no sleep because we don't want to camp out on the side of the road and look like a fool. Uh huh.

I can only imagine how sad God must get as He watches us destroy ourselves one by one. Two by two. Five at a time....

I don't believe there are such things as accidents.

I picked up my phone to intentionally message Cam and took my eyes off the road for a few seconds at a time as I typed each word.

One man chose to drive despite his extreme fatigue and wound up crossing the center line into oncoming traffic as he fell to sleep at the wheel.

She chose to drive despite the fact that she felt a little wobbly walking. Maybe 4 drinks was a bit too much. Ah well... home isn't THAT far..

I drove away from that accident knowing what it's like to see the hospital emergency room in a trauma situation. I've also seen the family come in at 3am and sit in the lobby waiting for the nursing supervisor and the coroner to come and meet with them to discuss the next step. Their eyes are red rimmed, they are trying to be brave but sit down and sob convulsively. I've heard nurses and doctors say that the patient is better off dead despite their struggle to live on account of the present circumstances surrounding the situation as a whole...
I know a girl who lost her mom in a tragic and sudden car crash. Five years later she is still dealing with it. She will miss her mom for the rest of her young life.

I know those kids will probably need to talk to someone about their experience on that highway that morning, - for years to come.

I know that those who stopped to help will need to sit and process for a good couple days after being witness to that tragedy.

I know the paramedics and firemen who showed up to help will need to hug a loved one when they get home - and maybe even cry in those arms.

I also know that car crash could have been prevented. I know it all could have been avoided.
I don't know the how and why. All I know is that i can make choices in my life that can better lives and choices that can detriment lives.......

I don't need yellow tarps in my wake.

...

as I drove away, not too much later, Mat Kearney's album came on my mp3 player and the song Renaissance played... :

"it happened fast in a flash just this evening

i hit the gas, horn blast, brakes screaming
car crash, broken glass, broke my dreaming
i hit the dash so fast my ears are ringing
my sister’s on the right side just slightly leaning
i grabbed her hand hard until she started breathing
my brothers in the back jaw cracked from the beating
the breath in my chest has slipped and i’m sinking
blinking through diamond spider webs of cracked glass
i’m trying to remember all the words you said in the past
through the ash, siren screams and red beams
i hear you sing softly to me
i can be the wall when you fall down
find me on the rocks when you break down
i heard it in the song when you call out
but i got to say now it’s got to change"

We have to change. We need to change. We need to take responsibility for our choices, our actions... our lives. Because, they are all we have to show for ourselves in the end. Standing before the one who gave us the life -- who's very name is the breath we breathe, we need to realize we have to account for every choice we make. Lying is NOT an option when the very God who made us knows our every thought.

What is your worst 5 seconds worth?

Haha!

God SOOOO knows when I need a little encouragment.

Today, not feeling so hot, just kinda blah.
I decide to go get myself a coffee but in order to get as much sunshine as i can, i took the long way around Rehab outside as opposed to inside.

I walk up to the doors that go into the lobby and there's a few patients hanging around outside the door - usually smoking, but this one guy was just sitting in his wheelchair, he looks at me and yells out "Hey, did your boyfriend tell you that you look beautiful this morning?"
... i keep walking up the path, smile and say, "uh... no".
I wasn't about to get into an "i don't have a boyfriend" conversation because those usually go a way I don't like.

Especially with patients.

He replies "well then give him shit!".

ha! ...
I laugh and tell him thanks as I walk into the building.

He made my day.

Like i said, sometimes God uses the most unusual people to encourage you when you need it most...

An Un-Career?

I was emailling a friend this am when I started to really ponder the expectations of a worldly life.
Career and Family come to mind.

What if we chose NOT to live that way. Okay. Forget that. What if "I" chose not to live that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go out and attempt some form of a new anti-work cult or phenomenon, BUT... what if we were meant to live for so much more. I'm talking about career, not family. Family IS important.

Let me explain.

For the past 6 years I've been trying to figure out what i want to "do" with my life. Scrap that. For ALL OF MY LIFE I have been trying to discover who I really am and what my purpose is. I have passions for certain things, I have giftings and abilities in certain areas, I am able to do this or that... God's given me opportunities for various experiences that have really changed who I am or where I'm going.
Yes, I know, I'm still being vague.
But this is my point. What if life is NOT based on obtaining some sort of skill set in a particular area and living it out for the rest of one's life. What if life is more about the experiences and the adventures, more about the being and impacting than about the doing and making. Maybe that's why people tend to 'change their career' at least 6 times...

I believe there is truth in the difference between 'working to live' and 'living to work'. I see way too many people "living to work" and falling hard when they stop because they know nothing else. I have known people who, within 6 months of retiring or after retiring, die - never getting the chance to complete their "bucket-list" or life-fulfilling intentions.
Who, i want to know, WHO decided that one MUST live their life in a molded career in order to be socially accepted as a responsible adult. Really, I do.
I have always joked that perhaps i'm not meant to live a long life because I was never "driven" to become something in particular. My life-long dream goal was never to "be a mommy" as so many of my friends have told me they want, or to be a nurse, or a lawyer, or ... whatever the rest of my family members have found themselves doing. I can never see myself 'doing' certain things for the rest of my life. I have always wanted different things (and then some! I want a family too, i want to get married and have a family... but I know it will happen in time, God's time and God-willing).
But what if, now I know this might be out of the box, but what if we were designed for a 'work to live' life?
WHAT IF:
~we made money only so that we could give it away and actually do something with it.
~we focused more on our 'after-work' life than our 'work-life'.
~the first question we asked people was 'so, what do you do that gives you joy' rather than 'so, where do you work/what do you do?' -- in fact, i think the next time that someone asks me what I do I'm going to tell them that "I live". - [This past weekend at a family reunion I had a cousin of my dad ask me what I do and i looked at her and said "lots". She looked at me critically and said "I remember your parents saying something about school, but I can't remember what exactly." I smiled and said "yeah, there is that.. ... but i think I should find out what they said I did exactly before I can agree or deny! Haha." I think my response shocked her. I didn't have the answer she expected. I didn't say "I work at ____" or "I'm a(n) ______". I do lots. And the majority of it brings me more joy than anything and no cash.]

-- it kinda reminds me of that part in Ever After where the Prince tells Danielle that she has more passion for books and life in the few statements she shares and the few books she's been opportuned to read in her peasant upbringing than all the book scholars and librarians and teachers and other intelligent influences he's had in his priviledged life.

I think we need to live with passion. We need to find somethign that we LOVE to do... and DO it. No matter the cost.

My heart is torn and herein lay the problem. I WANT to become someone of influence. I want to be a joy to the Lord always. I want to impact the lives of my friends in whatever way i possibly can. At the same time, I also want to do something that represents a career or work-life, and something that I enjoy. I guess the two can be intertwined or one in the same, but.... to find out what that is remains a work in progress.

* sigh *

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

I had put a lot of weight on my acceptance/rejection from school this year as far as planning anything for the fall went.

Everything has been up in the air.

And then I caught up with some rad "friemily" from California (friends + family = friemily) who proposed i intern their church for 6 months.

Whoa. Wrench in the wheel.
My world stopped.
I have NOTHING holding me back. This could be my life for the next 8 months!

After talking it over with God some, discussing it with friends, and weighing pros and cons, I am somewhat excited about the opportunity. Maybe, just maybe THIS is where I need to go/what I need to do this fall.

I am in the early stages of constructing a city-wide young adults retreat though (with others) and am hoping to get October secured for that... It would be pretty awesome... For which we could get my friemily from Cali to speak at??? Potentially.
We need to secure it and hash out the details financially first - and then so on...

And then i got my letter in the mail. NO GO for school. Whoa. Crazy. Perhaps California is where I need to be. All my close friends say "yes"... Jesus and I are still talking.
These 6 months, altho daunting, could be another amazing six months in my life, just like the 6 i wouldn't trade for any money in the world, the 6 months I spent in Germany at Bodenseehof.

As for now...

Creationfest is in 3 weeks. I'm SO unbelievably excited. I can't wait to jump around to amazing worship bands like Casting Crowns, mosh to Skillet, fall to my knees in worship during David Crowder, hand-slam with the boys to LeCrae...
I'm camping with my friends from Teen Challenge. Heart them. I can't wait to celebrate the fact that I met them there 1 year ago. Wow. 1 year. they'll be getting a good kiss on the cheek from me!!

I never thought...

I never thought....

... I would find psychometric testing so interesting

... I would meet my best friends at a music festival in a different country

... I would be living at home when i'm 30.

... I would be hit on by attractive doctors and be so turned off

... I would want to jump out of an airplane at 12,000 feet

... I would want to love on my friends so deeply

... I would be so inspired and influenced by a couple of former drug addicts, longing to spend so much more time with them

... I would feel so blessed and loved

... I would wish I could relive a particular 6 months in Germany again just to embrace certain moments more memorably, after not wanting to have been there in the first place

... I would know such amazing people

... I would have such a strong passion for particular things

... I would be so addicted to my Blackberry

... I would be reprimanded via text message for not saying hi or hello in person

... I would care so much about coffee conversations

... I would buy so many clothes

... I would find intelligence and leadership so attractive in men

... I would be so involved in many things relating to justice

... wierd people could have the best things to say.

----
Jesus does amazing things in a willing heart. Does He have access to yours?

Friendship

I'm reading this book that was recommended to me by a sweet girl I know. The book is "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist.
I came across these paragraphs in a chapter called "Swimming" and i just want to share them, they're that good... [you can actually listen to the whole chapter on her website]

...
"That's what friendship looks like to me. Friendship is acting out God's love for people in tangible ways. We were made to represent the love of God in each other's lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God's love for them. Friendship is an opportunity to act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can't always see from where we are. ...
True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop own into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that . We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what people think of us. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they'll leave. But what we give up is nothing in comparison to what this kind of friendship gives to us. Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control it and manage it, and manufacture it, then it's something else, but if it's really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."

Good, yes?
I sure thought so....

Outside in the Summer...

I like to be outside in the summertime. It's beautiful!
This weekend was full out outdoor activities: minigolf (x2), beach volleyball, bbq's, swimming in the lake, water fights..

Outside holds the adventures. Outside holds the potential for friendships. Outside holds the potential for hurts and insecurities.... but it holds so many tangible things.
You can't smell the rain when you're inside. You can't feel the soft new needles on the pine trees, or the texture of living flower petals when you're not outside (unless it's a bouquet of flowers, and we know that those flowers are already dead..). You can't feel the wind.

I forgot how much i love the beach until I went there yesterday. The mixture of smells: suntan lotion, wind off the water, picnic lunches, grass, perfumes and colognes, the trees... It's all so lovely. Everyone seems happy at the beach. Soaking up the sun, swimming in the water - the excitement that summer is HERE!!!

Welcome summer... welcome. Come hang out for a while.

Week 2

No. I will not continue every week of being 30 with an blog denoting such... But this week feels like it sooooo closely follows the premise of Week 1 that I had to title it as Week 2.

I still don't feel 30 - and i don't think i will EVER feel the age I am progressing to each year. I'm stuck at 26. For now. I have a friend who's 24. He told me that HE feels 30, so we decided to change ages. Is that permissible?... Shoot.

I got a message on my FB from one of my most beloved friends. She's pretty much one of my besties (I think i have 3, or 4?) and it REALLY sucks that she lives in Phoenix AZ. I can attest though that perhaps it's a good thing she's that far away, because i fear that if she spends TOO much time with me I'd drive her nuts and further away.. I'd hope not. But she's one of those friends that you want to spend MORE time with, glean off of, hang onto, and hear every word from . Anyways. I had been firing off email after email of certain updates that have been occuring in my life - mostly concerning a certain *crush* (ridiculous, I know, but we do that don't we...) and everything else that has been occuring. She's a prayer warrior, she's studying for the Arizona Bar Exam (2 months away from being a lawyer!) and unbeknownst to me has not been attending to her email account for the reasons of study. We would send a text everyone once in a while... we would fb every once in a while... but i haven't talked to her in..... MONTHS (way too long). Her message alluded to me being on her heart more than normal and the urgency for her to pray for me -- she wanted to know what was up. ..
THAT NIGHT.... i should have had heartbreak. But rather than heartbreak, I had a heart opening. Rather than feeling my stomach and heart collide, swap places and shake my world I live in, I felt my heart grown with adoration and affection. After being told by my *crush* that he's going on a date with this girl he has been interested in for a LONG time and finally had the balls to ask out, I stood there and cared about him, I stood there and rejoiced with him.
That has NEVER happened before. (I have pretended to, but never genuinely done so). I conversed with him trying to understand HOW my heart could possibly be increasing in phileo for him despite my personal feelings - AND tried to keep my head in the conversation. .... It was a marvel.
The next day, after FINALLY chatting with my AZ friend for nearly 3 hours I realized the power of prayer - the power of pursuing God's prompting in praying for someone when He puts them on your heart. I realized that my friend's prayers were in preparation for what that night held... (not that it was a MAJOR traumatic event potential, but ... big enough for my books in terms of killing my joy for a few days). Her prayers were offered to God in sweet inscense and showered around my heart as a protection from pain. God gave me wisdom, He gave me compassion, love, joy, peace.... all things good. My feelings for *crush* have maintained themselves and our friendship has increased in quality. I know that if the crush feelings fade, I will ALWAYS have a good solid friendship with this guy.... and that's a killer blessing.

THIS is what true friendship is.

It is about praying for people, not just thinking about them. It is about standing next to them when they're fighting something wicked.... It is about full on loving them when they need it the most.

I got a birthday present from another bestie (one who lives in Omaha NE - darn friends live so far away. I guess that's what happens when you meet them in Germany). It is a book on friendship - different quotes. On the second last page is a quote that so fittingly depicts my heart for these 2 particular friendships --- or many friendships in my life. It fit so well with the last 2 weeks, with the revelations God's been giving me, and how I really feel deep down.

"The very best friends have the kind of relationship where each thinks she's getting the better part of the deal."

I do hope and pray you have a friend (or friends) like this in your life. They really are God's gift.

I "heart" my friends...

I have officially lived through one week of being 30. Whoa. That still sounds wierd. My mind is stuck at 25 or 26. Literally. These past 4-5 years didn't really mature me, uh, I think. Oh wait, they totally did. Kinda.

I had a WONDERFUL birthday week.
I trained with a pseudo-mom for 2 days. She commanded me to take stock of what I have, of who I am, of what I have been blessed with, what I've done so far, and to make a list of what I'm thankful for.
On the eve of my 30th I did that. I also knew i would be seeing some of my favorite people on my birthday so I felt thus compelled to let them know how thankful i was for them in my life.
My birthday day comes -- and i embrace the morning.... I open gifts alone, get myself together, and go to chapel at Teen Challenge. No one who was there knew it was my birthday altho i was told I looked really pretty that morning. The ones who DID know the importance of the 'prettiness' were noticably absent. .. .. One was called out to do a job of some sort, and the other took himself to ER. The whole ER thing caused my stomach to drop, literally.
What?
Should I go? Or carry on with my intention to go camera shopping? Pffffftt. The idea stopped there. Hello, seriously. Is there even something to consider? It is at this point that one realizes how much someone means to them..... If it were any other guy from TC in emerg, i probably would not have gone.
I raced to emerg, went in the back way my heart just a pounding. See.. this good friend of mine had just returned from 3 weeks in Africa -- and 6 weeks before that he had just gotten back from 3 weeks in the Philippines. I envisioned him sunken and sallow in a hospital bed crowded with nurses and IV's, being medicated to save his life from some horrid parasite that was literally eating him to death.
He wasn't where I thought he would be so i walked into the nurses station and looked at the boards that show where all the current patients are. (oh the perks of having worked there 4 years and having the staff know you). His name was on the board, he was probably just with someone... I go back. This time I find him sitting in a seat, slouched down, flipping thru a book he brought with him. I walk past a few patients towards him. He looks up and just stares at me. I think he was computing the whole concept of what the heck was I, someone he knows, doing there, when he felt like death.
It was my birthday. He knew it. And I spent an hour and a half sitting in ER with this amazing friend of mine. I got to know him more. I made him laugh, smile, joke and tell me that it wasn't wierd that I was there. I think he enjoyed my company. He found the fact that the doctor waved at me and the nurses chatted with me amusing. One nurse asked him if security should be called for the fact that I was harassing him (harassing was what I told them i was doing there, them knowing full well that i wasn't a patient).
Turned out, he was fine. Probably a parasite but one that will pass with time. Better he know and be relieved than to stress about it and enduce more panic... I walked him out to where he parked and gave him the "thank-you" card. He looked at me and said "it's YOUR birthday and you have a card for ME". I told him what i was doing -- why i was doing it. So again, he looked at me "You're thankful for me." Statement. Like he was digesting it. Probably overwhelmed with what to think about me stalking him in emerg...

I went for lunch with 2 amazing gals. We sat in the park, in the sun, talked about life --- the differing adventures we're on. ..... I gave them their cards. We got a bit of a sunburn but we also were able to talk about stuff we haven't had the chance to yet... I got to share my opinion and worry about one of their relationships with a guy. We ate sushi and cheesecake. I thanked Jesus for the day thus far.

I went to dinner with the fam and my friend meghann. I like my family. they're cool people. They've raised me well. Meghann and I hung out after that. I like her...... i heart her. We have fun together. She's honest with me. She's straight up. She's not afraid to challenge me when my thoughts get ahead of me and could drift into silliness...

Throughout the day I had countless messages/texts/facebook alerts and blackberry messenger chats attacking my phone. It was buzzing nonstop. I was overwhelmed. .... and sooooo blessed.

This is what I have realized -and later told the 12 people that stuck it out to 2am, sitting around my birthday bonfire 2 days later. We all make choices in our lives. Some good, some bad. We learn from them, we move on from them, we are influenced by them.. our lives are changed through them. One of the BIGGEST choices we can make is to choose to be a friend to someone. Seriously. It's in the moments of our lonliness that we WISH we had someone to be our shouder, or the other half of an embrace. It's in the times we are overflowing with joy that we savor sharing our happy dance with someone who'll dance with us. --> It's in those moments that we're needed to be there for other people. It's in those times when God prods us to call someone up, or invite someone out -- those sensitive moments that can really change a person's life. THOSE kinds of choices are the most amazing gifts --- the gift of friendship - CHOOSING to be a friend to someone else has an amazing effect on you, me, us, anyone. I told my friends that i am so blessed to have had them all choose to attend my birthday party when they could have been so many other places. I am so blessed by their influence in my life. I really am. Especially when I sat back after the party was over and read all the birthday cards ... after I realized there were close to 45 people who came.. (chose to)... after I thought about how the last 8 people decided to pray over me and ask God to bless my life for another year.
God is good... SOOOO good. He has given me some pretty awesome people to love on, to love me...

I have girls in my life who seem to embrace my thoughts as wisdom.
I have guys in my life who seem to embrace my words and attention as encouragement.
I have friends .... I really have friends. I heart them. I make sure they know it.

-- haha. .. and tonite, i now have 2 favorite guys telling me they will fix my car. One will do it himself, the other will get his 'crew' to do it.. One lives here in town, the other is 3 hours away. I'm laughing inside. I want to marry them both. ( :please note that the last sentence is NOT to be taken literally: )....

...

On occasion, I write on the alivebc.com blog. .... My latest post is as follows.. :

Have you ever gone off into complete solitude for a while? Now I don’t mean solitary confinement (TORTURE!) or anything of that sort. Rather, have do you ever take time to just go and be in complete silence somewhere? It almost seems weird in the world of noise-music-talk-radio that we live in today. People would probably go through some sort of separation anxiety if they had their mp3 player removed from their tight grasp or perfectly indented pocket. Necks and ears would feel naked without earphones and their cords strategically in place. Car rides would seem longer without stereo noise. Our hands would be fidgety without our cell phone. Can you imagine?

I was driving home from a meeting the other day and the lyrics of “Forget What You Came For” by The Myriad actually caught my attention. I’ve heard the song multiple times before – both live and recorded. This was the first time though that I was really trying to figure out what they meant. They sing: “quit making noise, and become still for the silent voice, forget what you came for and give up what you have, forget what you came for and give up what you love”.
Silent voice? Who’s voice? Ah… God’s voice. Quit making noise? But I’m praying, aren’t I? I’m praising, yes? Am I? Or am I merely enjoying the sound of my own voice uttering what I wish to be prayer requests. And prayer requests for whose glory? My own? Just so I can say “I prayed for you last night/yesterday/today”, or because that person really was on my prayer list or my heart at that time? But noise? Really?

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” – 1 Cor 13:1.
Ah… yes. Noise.
Have you ever come before God just because you’ve felt like you need to? And just sat there, in silence? It’s hard to do, sitting in silence. The mind likes to wander to various distractions – the day, week, month, year, people, places, things, food…
Okay, back to what I got to thinking about in terms of the lyrics. “Forget what you came for, give up what you have/love”. It was a reminder to me: sometimes I have to just shut up, sometimes I have to just sit and see what God brings to my mind. I have to sit in His presence and give up on my own agenda – my own needs/wants/wishes/frustrations and see what He may want to tell me. Maybe I find myself in His presence with my fists holding tightly to things I don’t want to let go of – of my future, my career, my dreams, my ideal love life. I often second guess the fact that God may have BETTER plans for me than what I think would be ideal. I tend to fear that He will send me to Tijuana, Mexico or the dirtiest place of my fears and expect me to do something outside of my giftings and passions. I know that’s not His agenda though…. We all know that.
Lately I have been sitting in God’s presence with my palms literally open and upward. I don’t want to be holding anything back. I want to trust that God has my life in His palm. I want to sit there and close my mind and all outward distractions so that I can be of pure heart and connect with His heart. I think that it is in these moments that God can honestly bring people to mind that He DOES want you to pray for. I heard it once said somewhere, that if God brings a person to your mind you should pray for them – not dream about them, or wonder what they’re doing (well, you can do that if you really want to), but they at that moment may be going thru a spiritual/physical/emotional battle and need some prayer. If you’re in the right place God may nudge YOU to pray for them – to fire off a legion of angels their way.
Wow. Can you imagine the power in that? All our prayers go before God – Revelation 8:3 talks about them as being offered with incense. Every time YOU pray, you join the army- you join the battle of the Lord.
“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” Ps 37:7
“For the pagan world runs after all [physical worries], and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.” Luke 12:30-31.

God knows what our hearts melt for. He knows what our hearts break for. He knows what we get frustrated about – and He still loves to have us tell Him in prayer. Perhaps though, sometimes we just need to sit and let HIM tell us what’s on His heart for us. Perhaps we just need to let go of all those worries and trust that He is enough to satisfy whatever it is.
Sometimes we need to turn DOWN the worship music and hear God’s whisper that we may be drowning out. Maybe we need to surgically extract the earbuds of our mp3 player from our near-deaf ear and spend some moments listening to His still small voice. [Have you ever been somewhere and the people beside you seemed to be involved in a very private conversation --- whispering --- and your ears were totally piqued. You’re listening to music but you find yourself secretly muting your tunes so you can try to catch onto what they’re saying. It does seem important with all that hush-hush business. That’s the way it always goes… I think we need to press into the conversations of God with that same interest and see what His next move or intrigue will be!]
Maybe we need to put aside our latest and greatest complaints of life and hear God’s greater agenda. The world does not revolve around us after all. It revolves around the Son, er, sun.
So, forget what you came for, give up what you have, or what you love. Listen for His voice. Sit in silence and hear. God may tell you His own secrets. Wouldn’t you love to be privy to THAT kind of information?

Christ IN you... literally...

Ever heard of a molecule called Laminin? I didn't until about a month ago. Whoa. ... now that is an eye opener.
Cool video here.

No time for video? just check out this image:

Yeah.

I thought so too.

There's a new fun song running through my head. It's fun.... i haven't really listened to all the words tho, so it may not be my philosophy. HA!

I had the best weekend ever. It started with my mom's birthday on friday - went out for dinner with the fam. JUST got home when the my brother and his gf showed up at the door! SURPRISE! So.. that was fun... That night I went out and saw Wolverine (delish), the next day I went to a BBQ and had some GREAT laughs while playing a game called "Quelf" . Oh gosh. If you want to laugh at other people and yourself, that's the game to play. Sunday was an awesome service at church... and then sunday night I hosted a bonfire. Again.. more laughing. These new (and old) friends of mine are just fabulous... Seriously. We wound up having a marshmallow fight of all marshmallow fights that included a good wad of squished marshmallows being put down the back of one guy's shirt... Another guy kept putting more and more twigs on the fire to the point where the fire matter (sticks) were only about 2 feet off the ground, but the flames shot up about 8 or 9 feet. NO JOKE. I started freaking out, for fear that my parents would either yell from the house or a neighbor would call 9-1-1. Instead, this one guy Jared, decided he would JUMP THROUGH the flames. Twice. Again, freak me out. He only had a few singed leg hairs. He tried to convince me to do it but uh, no thanks. I still can't believe that he jumped THROUGH the flames, and those flames were not exactly small... Silly man.

Monday invovled a good hike - impromptu - with 14 young adults! It was a great turn out!! 8 of us went to Boston Pizza after to revive ourselves - and from there I met up with a couple different friends to go bowling... I'm not a fan of 5-pin bowling. I'm all about 10 pin. ... that's all I have to say about that. Or Wii bowling, that's fun too.

So, some of us girls have been thinking about summer events. Seeing as how 2 of us have the "in" with 3 different church young adults groups, we're taking on the organization of "Summer Funs", yes "funs". Once a month we want to do something that may require a bit of cash, but for every other event, we just want to get out and do hikes, bikes, walks, bonfires, bbq's etc. It is more than awesome to get large groups of young adults together to meet each other and hang out. We just need events to do it... We've already decided that one weekend we're going to road trip out to Playland ... Oh yes... bring on the rollarcoasters! :D

That's it for now.

I'm at work. Back in Rehab. I forgot how quiet it can be - hence the blog. :) I dont' mind, i don't mind AT ALL....

Coffee Love...

I love going for coffee with friends. We don't even have to drink coffee, that part is negotiable... but it's the concept. It's the fact that you sit across a table, or sit on a couch with a friend and you share your hearts with each other. No expectations, no facade, no underlying motivations...



Yesterday after work I spent 4 hours with a dear sweet gal I know that I kinda "nanny'd" for 2 weeks some 7 years ago. She's now 21 and AMAZING. ...
I get so encouraged when I encourage people. I get so filled with joy in these moments of LIFE! I honestly don't think I could be more at peace with where I'm at in life than I am now. Sure there are moments where I wish certain things were different, but then I see or hear why I am where I'm at -- something happens, or a realization overtakes me. And it all makes sense.... Yesterday we chatted about life, about love, about future and perspectives, about pasts, about God and all that He's taught is through where He's taken us. And then we sat there marvelling God's awesome goodness. We sat there thinking about the little things in life that can be marvelling -- about being objective and trying to see stuff for the first time. For instance, put your fingers on the pulse in your wrist or throat. Think about that for a second or two, or 10. To many medical professionals, a pulse meanse "life".... you're alive by medical standards because of that pulsating muscle in your chest --- driven by the section of your brain located at the uppermost part of your spinal cord called the Medulla. The medulla is the ONLY part of your brain that is automatic -- you have NO control over it... and that's a good thing. We forget our car keys, our way to a friend's house, the combination to our gym locker and important appointments. Could you imagine forgetting to remind your heart to beat? Or forgetting to breathe while you're sleeping? Yeah, there's a reason for the automaticity.... But do we ever take a few minutes to just feel the life in our friends? We hear it when they're talking, we see it in their actions. Or how about the eyes? -- have you stared into a friend's eyes only to examine the intricate coloring or patterning in their iris? -- and that's just the surface part of the eye. Wow. Eyes CAN be windows to the soul. Have you stared into someone's eyes of late and felt a passion within you freak out? Not because there's an attraction, but because you can see to their full potential and passion? Because you see their LIFE? --- whenever I get thinking about this i seem to come back to the 2 lines in John Mayer's song "Only Heart" that say "Feel my chest when I look at you, baby you, you got my only heart"....

Kinesics are cool.

Needless to say, my drive home last night was spent praising God for who He is, and all that He does.


I'm turning the big 30 this month. It's daunting. It's intimidating... It holds so many underlying societal expectations of what happens when one turns 30. Yeah. Whatever. So they say. Who decides that anyways? Statistics? -- simply because it has been the way things have been going? Because generations before have set a standard or trend... Yeah, well, God's beyond trends, He's beyond societal norms. So, boo. I've decided that I will look at this 'celebration' as depicting everything that I have DONE, as opposed to what I haven't done... I know that I'm where I'm at for a reason and couldn't really have done anything differently in keeping alligned with what I've felt God calling me to do or be. This past year has been a testiment to that. I can acknowledge that i would not change a single thing... not ONE thing.
-- and I'm not just telling myself that.

Oh, and there's something else that I found that is crazy cool... but i have to refind it again. next time.

... 31 hours? ....

God makes people beautiful. He really does. I experienced that last week. No details, but wow. I had never realized how God can change a perspective if I let Him, if i needed Him to in order to remove doubts. Pretty fantastic.

I worked my last night shift - ever - (hopefully). It was wierd. It was bittersweet. It was ... wierd. The work itself was odd - the patients that came into Emerg were wierd, the situation of trying to move patients out of emerg into the rest of the hospital was wierd... And, coming to terms with reading "we'll miss you" cards and explaining my next "move" to people was wierd. We had donuts, macaroons, one-bite-brownies, a cake, chips, candy and green beans. Well, i didn't get to my green beans that night, can you guess why? Yeah. And, shall I mention that on night shift there is only 2 of us working? AND, my coworker bought me a mocha. Awe. I wasn't telling MANY people i was leaving, so as the nurses in ER were slowly finding out they were paying their dues, 'i'll miss you's" and sampling some sweets, i felt.... wierd. The Emerg doctor got to tell me he liked my hair (again, still). Finally, leaving time, i hugged all my buddies farewell, gathered up my flower, chocolate and cards and left.
Meghann and I had plans. I hit her place, picked her up, and both her and I booked it for Bellingham. Yes, Ihad already been up since 4pm the previous day but it was now 8:30 am, I was "awake" and excited to go SHOP! Meg had just finished her BA, i just finished this job, ... and woo woo!! .. CELEBRATE!
We drove. We talked about boys - the jerk who played her, the crush who is sweet to me; we danced to the music. We waved to the construction workers and contemplated kidnapping a couple of them. We stopped in Chilliwack to visit a buddy of mine -- surprising him with a "come outside in 10 minutes" text. We found out he'd be getting a tattoo later that day so we told him we'd be back the next day on our way home to see it. It's also entertaining to stop at a rehab center for men as 2 attractive females -- knowing that the guy we're visiting is going to be so razzed by the rest of the guys there after we leave. .... So worth it. :)
We hit bellingham by noon. We left bellingham at 6:30 - and over $600 poorer (we were poorer, the city was not). We lied to the border guard (forgive us Lord), but she understood girl time and Bath and Bodyworks. We got back to her aunt's, changed, and headed to a 'concert'. George Canyon, Aaron Pritchett and Jessie Farrel. HILARIOUS. Cool. Entertaining. Good times. I was exhausted, but so glad to have been there!
Hitting the pillow at 11pm timed my awake time as 31 hours. The longest yet - and the LAST! I slept well that night.... I didn't wake up once. 8 hours later we were rousing and packing to get out.
The drive home was more mellow, Meghann napped, my friend's tattoo was cool...
2:30 pm I dropped of Meghann and I headed home.

.....
Last night I spent 6 hours with a friend i've known for over 10 years. He's a boy. Well, I guess he's a man. But wow... I treasure that man like nothing I can describe. I don't know what it is but I've always seemed to be able to have guy friends with "no romantic feelings" -- and it's a true blessing to my heart. Last night I got his advice on "the latest" in my 'like-life' (no to be confused with love-life because love would be the WRONG word at this point). I gave my advice on him and his gf's situation and status. Fabulous. Nothing short of fabulous could describe our time together. We honestly adore each other in the true and pure sense of the word - as friends. JUST friends - and not like the movie of the same title. FRIENDS in the most descriptive sense of understanding phileo. *sigh*. I only have a year and a half before he leaves me to go to Aussie land to be with his Aussie-honey. He's already asked me to move down there with them.... I told him i'd bring my own lover and spend a week or two.

I tell ya. This week has taught me so much on how appreciative I need to be of my friends. There are some darn amazing people surrounding me with affection. Some really know how to make me feel unworthy, honored, overwhelmed..... And Sunday, I had one evasive boy write me: "I feel better whenever I spend some time with you. Thank you." -(I surprised him with a visit when he wasn't expecting it). Uuugh. I'm so unworthy.
All I can do is praise. Praise you Jesus for these people. I can only pray they're blessed the way I have been blessed. If i could give each one of them the world, I would. I've probably already tried.. .... ..

The "Last" week...

This week is a week of "lasts" - so to speak.

Tonite was our "last" alive for a while, and possibly ever? Dunno. It was fantastic though. Cory Siewert led worship (love his heart), Scott said a diddy, we had communion, we had coffeehouse... I danced, jumped and swung my arms around in the back with a few friends. It was blessed. I also presented Scott with a Thank-you card and gift cert to take his wife out on a hot date. Our church is having a rough time right now, so, in feeling with with Scott's whole visage, I told him that I felt some of us should pray for him and lay hands on him. He was good with that. We did....
I will miss weekly harassments of any sort with Scott. Mind you, I'm pretty sure that our Blackberry Messenger antics will not end. Plus, he still has to put a good word in for me to my current *crunch*.
This summer we're going to join with other churches for sports nights in the park, fellowship, funs, etc etc. I'm definitely digging the conglomeration of all the Kelowna young adults. It's seriously fantastic. .... And i am serious. Back in the day it was as if there were a competition between denominations as to who when where and when- - and there was no mulitple church attendancing. If you did, it was just wierd. (I did, and some found me wierd). Now, it's almost normal -- going to one church in the am, another in the pm, yet another for some mid-week hang out bible study or fellowship. One pastor said a few weeks ago "we are all ONE church. There is ONE God. ONE body.... .... ONE church." I agree. So now it's all about meeting as many as I can from different churches. It's awesome. :)

And tonite is my 3rd last night shift (or shift at all) in Admitting. As of May 1, I will be a casual in Rehab once again. Yippee!!!! No more night shifts, no more weekends, no more evenings. YES! I will miss the steady paycheck and shift differential though, but that's just money - and something God wants me to challenge Him on (or rather, trust Him in). No more drunk idiots coming in at 3 am after bar fights. No more freaked out surgical patients staring at my chest and cracking dumb jokes. Oh wait. I'll just have cognitively challenged pts staring at my chest and muttering disinhibited thoughts. Awesome. No more cops (*sigh* I will miss that..). No more paramedics or transport personnel telling me funny naked people stories. No more ER docs asking me to do something with THEIR hair, or calling me stylish, or telling me they always see me in purple...No more spying on cute Med Residents sipping coffee in the lobby. No more urologists buying us pizza... Awe, now i'm getting reminisent. I guess I will miss this stuff....

All of it.

But it's good.

Onto bigger and better. Onto physiotherapists and occupational therapists, to free massages and foot orthotics, onto harassing neurolgists for an MRI referral... Onto using the gym equipment after hours... And to so much more I don't even know about yet!

Just 2 more night shifts... 2 more.

Life Organization, I think....

I have been on "holidays" for the past week and a half. It has been beautiful. No schedule, no must-do's ... nothing. I also haven't gone anywhere - even when opportunity arose. See, the holidays needed to be taken or else i would have had over 100 holiday hours with about 40 sick pay hours all paid out to me the first week of May and as a result, have been taxed unbelievably so. I decided instead to take as much holiday time as I could to prevent the mass pay out (altho, there will still be lots paid out... )....
But during my time off work I've still found myself busy. Coffee dates with friends, random shopping sprees, facebook chatting (with friends not in this city/country/world... ha!). Not to mention the mayhem of Easter and the 22 people that brought to our house! All good of course.
This past Wednesday was a stand-out point though. I made a date to see my friendly psychologist, ahem, mentor, uh... future boss. He told me to come see him so we could discuss my "life". Wednesday mornings though, usually -if i'm not working - consist of me going to attend Teen Challenge's public chapel. I love it there.... A mid-week church service of the heart. Plus, I get to see some of my coolest friends all dressed in dress pants, collared shirts and ties. This week I 'gave up' my wednesday morning to facilitate a forum with the John Howard Society RJ program -- all the while hoping that the 'vicitm' wouldn't show up so i could go to chapel.
The forum went really well though. It is more or less mediation between 2 people -- you tell your story, now you tell yours -- anyone have anything else to say to anyone else, let's make an agreement -- what do we want to see come of this.... sign here, here's your copy, thanks for coming out! Once everyone's gone, it's an amazing feeling --- to have been a part of something restorative - to see people get a second chance, to see people healed, to see people get their answers.....
I left feeling like i made a difference -- and then onward to discuss my life.
Sitting in Dr. M's office is never wierd -- probably because i'm not a patient. I've been in there so often to "chat" about random things and to hang out, to borrow a book or two, to get reference letters. Our discussions are always encouraging. We talked about what my plan is for school, what happens if Plan A doesn't come through - at least I know more or less why it didn't. We planned out Option B -- or what we could do, really. See, in the Psychology dept. he had 3 psychology testers who administer various neurolpsychological tests to patients who have had some form of cognitive change (stroke, head injury, tumor, surgery etc). I've thought of doing that for a while but never really got around to it. Talking about it this time got me excited though -- simply because it's beneficial to have the training no matter where I go after. Once trained, i could use my learned skills to administer tests to children referred to a child psychologist. I could be more aware of behavioral cues and differences in regular children in a school setting.... I could generally just work during off seasons or when I need work as a tester and make a pretty good wage doing so. Plus, i could give IQ tests (the real ones) to friends as a way of me practicing!! Very cool.
Dr M. and I bantered on about my potentials in any facet -- how he could use me once i'm trained in a bunch of different ways/places .... how i could use my training in a million ways in the future... We talked about my future -- goals, money, life... He told me what he would have done differently, he told me that he thinks my place in life is a good place to be.... Encouraging!
It was exhilarating! I'm excited about life! I'm excited about where God leads! In retrospect of where I was last year, I can't believe how much I've learned about myself, about others, about God.... And I am more than blessed to have made the friends I've made in that time too. Wow.

I followed up my "Sesh" with a good visit to a co-worker on maternity leave and her wee munchkin. Rad people. Then... that evening I had dinner with a fabulous friend and gabbed about boys. *sigh* My friend even said to me "Your eyes are sparkling with excitement! What have you got going on?"...

It just seems that life is coming together in a way. What I dont' have doesn't seem to matter because in the big picture, it's all about what you do have. I don't mean "stuff" == but rather an attitude of joy, or praise, or recognition that life IS good even when it sucks. I can't take the friends i have for granted because I am who I am on account of their influence! I have legs that work and eyes that see -- and sometimes we get so petty in the little things. God is good... He is just SO good and He sure seems to know what makes me joyful -- what I truely need.....

Here's a picture that made me smile today. I stole it off of facebook. The three guys in the picture are 3 of the coolest people I know. ... Daniel (blue shirt), Cam (center) and Mark (black shirt, camo shorts). This was taken when they went to the Phillippines with Teen Challenge as ambassadors. Mark and Daniel will be making Sushi at my big birthday bash coming up next month.... wahoo!!

Do you RANT in your dream?

No?

I do.
I did the other night...

Back a couple of years ago i took a distance class on --- current topics? I can't even remember what it was. Being a distance class you do have to submit opinions on this chat program with others in the class and then comment no their topics too. -- all relative to the course of course! I couldn't go on there and randomly choose to seek opinions on different aspects of life that truly mattered to me, no, it was all relative to class topics.

One week we were discussing FASD (Fetal Alcoholism) and how women should or should not have any alcohol during pregnancy. People would of course talk about how their mother did or did not drink; about how these women who do choose to drink should have their children taken away; rehab programs for mothers etc.
My woman's lib and internal feminist started burning inside me. WHY ARE WE BLAMING THE WOMAN? IS THERE NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE MAN?? Seriously. We blame Eve for the apple (unless you go to a good church that reflects on how the Man is the "man" of the house, the leader, and in the situation of Adam and Eve stood in passivity choosing not to encourage her otherwise or reflect on God's heart for the matter, and how ever since then men have held this passive stance while still dictating on their women).
So, in this subject of debate, I got on there and said "when a woman is pregnant, she doesn't get that why by herself, so why not during pregnancy, the man choose to remain sober and clean as a means of support?"
In my mind, it's only fair. They are a team - or should be - and intend on raising the child together, so.. yes?
Further in my thoughts then I considered this -- have any scientists dared to think about how alcohol may POSSIBLY effect the sperm in any way? The body is a unit - ETOH goes everywhere.... why not to the testes? Have they not considered the possibilty that deficits in some way may result from a man's choosing to drink all the time before spreading his drunken swimmers? Or what about age? We know that men in their 70's can still aid in producing children but could their sperm be a bit "defective?"..... The body is falling apart after all.

Not last year I read an article on just that. Albeit it was short - but i was vindicated, and oh SO happy. Older men (like those in their 60's and 70's) should not reproduce. They say that even men in their 40's have a higher chance of problems in terms of the 'health' of their sperm. Gee, you think? Argh. Maybe now they're looking at he effects of alcohol too. I thought I read something about that too somewhere, but perhaps I'm wrong.

Back to my dream.
I was sitting in this public forum and everyone was discussing and arguing over whether women should have a sip or not of alcohol, let alone a drink while pregnant or considering pregnancy. For one, the most damage is done in the first 6-10 weeks of gestation if you drink a lot - and generally, people may not even know they're pregnant! But in my dream i started spewing facts I didn't realize I knew, facts about the man's role, and what about the potential deficits to DNA construction in drunk sperm, about how men should choose to remain clean with their woman if they dare want to call that child theirs and take some so-called responsibility.
I was steaming. But i was clear in my point. In my dream they applauded me. I wasn't looking for that but it made a point.... And I took it.

I have nothing against alcohol per se, but i really do NOT like what it does to people. = what it does to their bodies and most importantly, how it destroys life. Our neighbor was a drinker but his family didn't realize just how much until now, in his 70's his brain has atrophy'd so much that he's not really there: Korsakoff's Disease - dementia as a result of alcoholism.
I mentored a child for the RJ Program at the Boys and GIrls Club who was FASD. He has such big dreams but cognitively ...... he's not rational. He will struggle for the rest of his life. It broke my heart.
I hang out with guys who were addicted to anything and everything. One of them told me that he wouldn't have a conversation with a girl unless he had alcohol in his system and a brown bottle in his hand. When I first met this guy and talked with him for a while he asked me how he was doing socially-wise - whether the conversation was okay because he wasn't used to talking to a girl without a drink in his hand and a smoke in the other - he had been clean for 11 months at this point.

In my psychopharmacology class we studied all the drugs, their potency, their effects (long term and short term) and all the studies pointed to tobacco and alcohol being far worse than others out there - or at least just as bad as some others out there. No joke. If they were not "legal" today, they would never be legalized because of how harmful they are. That took me for a surprise. In otherwords, you're far better off ingesting some good ol BC Bud (not smoking, cuz that hurts your lungs) than you are anything else. It's not addictive, doesn't hold long term effects unles you become a chronic user... (not that I'm advocating at all! i despise it all!). OR, i thought that i would be better off 'chipping' one weekend - getting high on cocaine for a weekend - and then back to life come monday. [this is common among many professionals who choose to be what they call "chippers", going on a cocaine high for the weekend - no addiction, just a 'get away from the every day']. Again. I don't recommend any of it.... but as a whole, it paints a pretty good picture for the use of any "drug".
Ignorance isn't bliss.... it's stupidity. A lesson I'm learning in detail.

Have you ranted lately?

I DID IT!

The past few weeks have been a deliberation in whether to change my occupational status or not. In other words, should I remove myself from my full time job to go and work in a different (but original) department.
This past Thursday night I went to young adults at a different church and we talked about how every moment should be the greatest moment of your life because it is all you have. Previous moments are past, future ones have not come.-- we need to live NOW. Not tomorrow, not years from now, but NOW... I sat there listening and the pastor said - i promise he did - that if you're considering a change in your job but don't want to out of leaving your comfort zone, you need to do it. I smiled. I hear you God. I hear you. .... and then he continued in talking about living -- making one's life full, about traveling and really living life. My consideration for "should I europe" is almost affirmed.

Then, last night. At my church. The pastor here talked about how we need to move out of our levels of comfort, take steps of faith, take opportunities out of our zones of "easyness"....
I felt like God said AGAIN.. "shar, you need to move from your job..." I felt Him give me a peace about it - an excitement about it - that I wouldn't be opposed by my current manager. I was happy in the choice that may not make others happy. I realized that maybe it's time to figure out my life and not the 'happiness' of others before it. ....I felt like God told me to enjoy a trip to Europe, that I should go visit my friends there.

And so I am potentially booking my flight (listed below) to Europe... (Patti, i will be back in time for your wedding!!)
And today, not 20 minutes ago, I fired off a message to my manager and supervisor about leaving my position to go elsewhere. ... *phew*

There's just so much being worked on in my heart. There's so much I'm challenging in myself - or, well, rather that God is challenging. I want to take risks. I want to try new things. I want to see new sights and be a part of what God is wanting to do... And I'm excited about it!!

To Europe or not to Europe, that is the question.

I'm changing my job situation (i hope) as of May 1st. I will have 2 weeks off in June...

And I found this:

MUNICH, GERMANY
Air Only - Roundtrip
Vancouver Departs: June 3, 10 @ $399 (Rtn: June 18)
Vancouver Departs: June 3, 10 @ $499 (Rtn: June 11, 25)

Argh.............. I can't decide.

Great Quote:

"The Lord never came to deliver men from the consequences of their sins while yet those sins remained; that would be to cast out of window the medicine of cure while yet the man lay sick; to go dead against the very laws of being. Yet men loving their sins, and feeling nothing of their dread hatefulness, have, consistently with their low condition, constantly taken this word concerning the Lord to mean that he came to save them from the punishment of their sins. The idea- the miserable fancy rather - has terribly corrupted the preaching of the gospel."
~ George Macdonald, from "The Hope of the Gospel".

Hair, oh hair...

I got my hair done again. I thoroughly enjoy going to my hairdresser. For one, she's the bomb. We have such a GREAT time when we're together... I tell her my stories (there's always something that's happened that puts her into stitches), and two, she makes wonderful magic with my hair! I leave feeling like a whole new person.

I seriously think i entertain the rest of the hairdressers there too (and the clients). They all watch the colors that go into my hair, the saran wrap that goes between the colors, and the crazy cut my dresser comes up with on her own after gleefully clapping her hands and jumping up and down like a child anticipating the best time ever. I'm glad to be her entertainment..
I tip her pretty well too. It's usually in the form of a booster juice...


Oh, Booster Juice. I like them. Their downside is that they're positioned between Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and a Sushi Shop. While patiently standing in line for a 'healthy alternative', I debate whether i should get me a caramel apple (*drool*) for 'later' (meaning, now), or some California Rolls and Bubble Tea instead. .... I most often stick with Booster Juice and this past week i was glad I did. For a limited time they have this AMAZING Pomegranite Passion flavor. OH. MY. Soooooooooooo good. It was like candy. Or Sherbet. Or something beyond good.... I wonder how limited the time is that they say it's limited for. I may have to go wander the mall for the sake of getting another one. Or for one of these:

In other news:

I have a new toy. ..

It's totally convenient. 160 books at my fingertips - it gives me 100 free books to download, mind you they're from a select 1000 books of the "classics", so, i'm loading up on Charles Dickens, Jane Austen, George MacDonald and more.. I figure that it's always good to have a little DIckens or Austen on hand. I ADORE their literature and prose. I could ready it over and over and over again...

Good ol' technology.

Speaking of technology. I have two incredible friends over in the Phillipines right now, and I miss contact with them.... BUT, it just so happens that their hours (16 hrs ahead) correspond well with my night shifts so I've been blessed with the ability to email them and/or facebook them (via my blackberry because work has Facebook blocked) when they're online! YAY for that! Yay for the internet in the Phillipines!! I'm able to hear how God's working in their hearts over there.... *sigh*. 10 more days until they fly back to Canada! I will see one of them in 2 weeks hopefully, and I swear I will attack him when I do...

I'm at work right now... and this is what I'm tired of getting.
Me: "Who do you want me to put down as your person to notify in case of emergency?"
Patient: "uhhh... can I put you down? Can you be my emergency contact?"

No, people! NO!
not my idea of a winner pick-up line.

A Busy Week, kinda....

At young adults, we were made to sit outside in the parking lot for a good 10 minutes, no talking, no huddling with people... An illustration for the night's sermon on homelessness.
I love that group of people. I really do. I don't know a whole lot of them, but they're pretty cool. I enjoy being a part of the leadership for them - despite the fact that it can be frustrating. One thing excites me though -- and that is where God is taking the group. Perhaps it will dissolve to be a once a month meeting with life group focus. We don't know. I thoroughly enjoy the leadership that it does have right now. The pastor is such a cool guy....

My volunteer work with the Boys and Girls Club is more than enjoyable. I like it a lot....

And...... work is frustrating.
5 of us got freaked on by our manager this week. She accused us of stealing $2. We found $4 under the photocopier the next day. The morale in the dept is dead. I'm setting up my escape plan...

I enjoy my friends. I truely do. I'm so blessed by each and everyone one of them. I have been realizing of late that I'm pretty lucky to have the friends I have. Seriously. In order for someone to be your friend, they need to like you. Some days, I just don't think I'm likable. Some days (like yesterday) I'm down right "dirty" and need a good dunk in some joy juice or something. I just keep thinking that I need to be an example. I need to show the love of Christ because my co-workers are watching me -- and i remember my pastor saying "Us Christians should be the most joyful people on earth, but we need to tell our faces that because sometimes it looks as if we were baptised in vinegar or lemon juice.." I don't want that to be me....
So it's on these horrible days that I reflect and rest in awe of those friends who call me "friend", those individuals in my life who WANT to spend time with me, who WANT to know how my week was, and who smile and embrace me when they see me.
I can only try to be just as good to them (if not better) than they are to me.... cuz frankly, I don't deserve some of them.....