What is your worst decision worth?

One minute I was rejoicing at the amazing friends and people i have in my life. The next minute I'm frustrated with the accident I am coming upon just north of Spokane. All I want to do is get home. I'm exhausted. I was at one of my best friends' wedding the night before, got 3 hours of sleep and had just attempted 'rest' on 2 airplanes. Rest and I didn't get much facetime. And now a detour?

Ergh... So, as i'm Blackberry messaging one of my best guy friend's about how i'm frustrated with the upcoming detour and accident, i get closer.

And then I see it.

And it hurts my heart.

I get SO convicted. Here I am, wallowing over a few lost moments in traffic. A few lost minutes in daytime driving. And in front of me is a destroyed SUV. A yellow tarp over the passenger side of the SUV.

Medical personnel unloading older children from the second vehicle that sat crookedly on the edge of the road upwards of the embankment.

My stomach drops.

I continue to watch, our row of cars stopped in line. Ahead is a man, a volunteer waving cars one direction and then the other so as to keep the busy highway moving along the detour. The cars in front of me start to move and i eventually get close enough to see the man waving us all, his face exhausted and sweaty, doing all he can to not think about what was going on behind him. I roll down my window and shout a "thank you!" -- the best encouragement I could sum up at that moment as he urged the line up through faster.....

I drove away, those images forever etched in my mind. I replayed the fact that those young boys being pulled out of the truck one by one, probably 1o or 11 years old, were witness to something horrible. They would have watched the medical team go to that SUV and try to assess the people inside -- to try to save them. Those boys saw it all. They would have been driving along when all of a sudden,

*SMASH!*

their truck spins to a stop.

I can only imagine their thoughts of confusion, fear, and pain....
Hearing silence, then other cars pulling over, people running over and asking if they are okay. Perhaps a few screams and sighs of bystanders as they see the wreckage, the hurt, the devastation.

Those boys saw it all....

They will forever see it. Feel it.

and my heart hurt.

No. It burned.

I got so frustrated.

They call it an accident but there are really no such things as accidents. There are choices and consequences. Actions and reactions.

Why can't we take the responsibility for what we do (or don't do)? Why can't we hold ourselves accountable to the life we live? I am beginning to ask myself that.

I'm so guilty of texting and messaging while I drive. I can honestly say that I try to keep the typing to stop lights or parked positions, but I don't always. I've talked to paramedics who say that there are so many collisions as a result of people texting while driving. I can't sit here typing this and dictate how wrong it is because I know it takes away from the full concentration I should be placing on my driving and the potentailly hazardous driving methods of those around me. That would be hypocritical. I know i do it. I admit it and will take responsibility for my actions = but I would rather NOT see the worst that can happen...

I message back and forth with Cameron daily. I get mad when he's answering me as he drives so i tell him to message me when he's home and off the highway. Or I call him instead (probably not MUCH safer).

But how much is a life worth? Those few extra seconds of an immediate response?

How much is a lifetime of counseling worth? A few minutes of texting?
What is life without a parent/sibling/friend/child? A prideful ego so as to not get a taxi after a few too many drinks?

After driving away from that accident it all came out. My heart was bursting with frustration for the human race's selfish pursuit of convenience and pride. We build faster cars so we can thrill ourselves in stupid moments and wind up just killing harder.

We come up with sweeter drinks so that we don't taste the alcohol that is really destroying our insides and clogging our judgement.

We insist on driving home after no sleep because we don't want to camp out on the side of the road and look like a fool. Uh huh.

I can only imagine how sad God must get as He watches us destroy ourselves one by one. Two by two. Five at a time....

I don't believe there are such things as accidents.

I picked up my phone to intentionally message Cam and took my eyes off the road for a few seconds at a time as I typed each word.

One man chose to drive despite his extreme fatigue and wound up crossing the center line into oncoming traffic as he fell to sleep at the wheel.

She chose to drive despite the fact that she felt a little wobbly walking. Maybe 4 drinks was a bit too much. Ah well... home isn't THAT far..

I drove away from that accident knowing what it's like to see the hospital emergency room in a trauma situation. I've also seen the family come in at 3am and sit in the lobby waiting for the nursing supervisor and the coroner to come and meet with them to discuss the next step. Their eyes are red rimmed, they are trying to be brave but sit down and sob convulsively. I've heard nurses and doctors say that the patient is better off dead despite their struggle to live on account of the present circumstances surrounding the situation as a whole...
I know a girl who lost her mom in a tragic and sudden car crash. Five years later she is still dealing with it. She will miss her mom for the rest of her young life.

I know those kids will probably need to talk to someone about their experience on that highway that morning, - for years to come.

I know that those who stopped to help will need to sit and process for a good couple days after being witness to that tragedy.

I know the paramedics and firemen who showed up to help will need to hug a loved one when they get home - and maybe even cry in those arms.

I also know that car crash could have been prevented. I know it all could have been avoided.
I don't know the how and why. All I know is that i can make choices in my life that can better lives and choices that can detriment lives.......

I don't need yellow tarps in my wake.

...

as I drove away, not too much later, Mat Kearney's album came on my mp3 player and the song Renaissance played... :

"it happened fast in a flash just this evening

i hit the gas, horn blast, brakes screaming
car crash, broken glass, broke my dreaming
i hit the dash so fast my ears are ringing
my sister’s on the right side just slightly leaning
i grabbed her hand hard until she started breathing
my brothers in the back jaw cracked from the beating
the breath in my chest has slipped and i’m sinking
blinking through diamond spider webs of cracked glass
i’m trying to remember all the words you said in the past
through the ash, siren screams and red beams
i hear you sing softly to me
i can be the wall when you fall down
find me on the rocks when you break down
i heard it in the song when you call out
but i got to say now it’s got to change"

We have to change. We need to change. We need to take responsibility for our choices, our actions... our lives. Because, they are all we have to show for ourselves in the end. Standing before the one who gave us the life -- who's very name is the breath we breathe, we need to realize we have to account for every choice we make. Lying is NOT an option when the very God who made us knows our every thought.

What is your worst 5 seconds worth?