Living eulogies, fear and amulets.

Before New Years sprung upon us, I was asked if I make resolutions and if so, what had I ambitioned for this year. I gave a polite no and repeated back to them what was succinctly said to me a few weeks previous: if I want to make a change, I make it; I don't need to wait for the numerical year change to do so.

I continued to describe what I meant. I think I just want to be fearless - or rather, less afraid to say what it is that I want to say. I can go in many different directions with this, but first, I want to say this: Why are we so afraid to tell people what they mean to us while we have them? Why do we wait until they die to announce just how much they meant to us? I want to be more intentional in telling those that have meant the world to me, just how much that worth is. I want them to know that if I were to die, they made an impact in my life. I want to know that if they died, I'd said what I wanted to say to them. Living eulogies. Or eugooglies. However rediculously goodlooking you want to prounounce it.

Why don't we do this all the time? Why do we compliment with the underlying expectation of getting something back? Why do we hope that if I say something 'nice' to someone, I'll get the compliment I need? Why can't we just outright admit that we need to be encouraged, or say that we're not feeling super good about ourselves that day and need a hug - whether in words or body? Why are we sooooo darn afraid to show our vulnerability. We.All.Bleed. We're formed out of the SAME stuff!! No one is invincible -- unless the came from Krypton, and well, he's pretty awesome... -nevertheless, as strong as we pretend to be, we aren't invincible.

But we're afraid. We live in the fear that people might find out we're not holding it all together without faking it. Well. I did.

I'll be honest - now. I've started sharing my deep down insecurities. I have a lot of fear. I'm totally afraid of showing my weakness. I'm scared to be vulernable. I fear rejection and being hurt. I have limits.
And straight up honest, I've hit them and crashed.

Hard.

And it hurts.

So, I've had to start seeing someone and frankly, I should have started a while ago. After one session, I've realized so much about myself -- and was called a poser in the process. It's so true though, we put on the facade we think others expect from us (or at least I did) and try to live out this perfect persona. The problem is, it comes across far too perfect (at least I found) and ends up scaring people away. How can people relate to you if they think you've got it all together?
No one is perfect. We all have issues. We all have insecurities and locked-closet secrets. I have always feared that if I let people peek in that closet or under the mask, they'll take one last look at me, shake their head in disgust and book it for the hills. I've feared that if people find out what I might be like when I want to be alone, when I'm angry or tired or at my wits end, that they'll not want to be around me anymore. ... And leave. Because that has happened before. And my defense: leave first. Either way, it's not dealing with the problem.

And here I am. Lethargic. Apathetic. Indifferent. Burned out. Depressed. Not the 'normal' positive-optomistic-glass half full-happy go lucky -Sharlene.
I just want the couch and some distracting tv program. I burst into tears at the thought of having to share what's wrong - simply because I don't know what's wrong. I've never felt this way before and I don't like it. I don't eat because I'm not hungry - then I feel lightheaded and remember I haven't had any protein for 2 days.
I don't enjoy anything.
I don't want anything.
I'm not suicidal but I don't want to live. I pray that God would just call me back to him in the middle of the night and I'll be done with it all.

But nope. Here I am. Still alive. Still working, living, breathing. And I'm trying to figure out what I want from my life. I'm trying to figure out what those desires are, the repressed wants burning holes in my heart. I'm working at discovering who I am.

In this though, I've never received more love from my closest friends- and people I never expected. I've never felt so cared for, so loved for who I am. Digging through the justifications of why particular people hang out with me, I've come up with none for some of them. I've told them I have nothing to offer, and yet they tell me they want me around. It doesn't make sense to be because my 'understanding' has been so works-based. I don't expect the same from others because I'm honored to have them in my life -- I've just never thought they would feel the same way.
Until recently.

And now, it's harder. Breaking deep rooted negative beliefs about oneself is HARD. When they're uprooted, there are gaping, bleeding, sensitive holes -- and my first instinct is to fill them with other dirt just waiting to fall... but I can't. I need to let them heal - and be filled with life, with things pure and honest, with love and hope, with Jesus and His promises.

So I've spent some of my couch time remembering when things were "good" and what joy felt like. I've spent some time sharing with my closest friends what my heart is feeling and why -and observed their stunned reactions to everything I have been hiding. And they still want me around. They sit there and nod, thanking me for the explanation. And they let me sit in their company with no expectations.
One of them asked me what makes me happy -- and I said I didn't know. He told me he doesn't expect anything from me, that I just have to be me.
I told him that what I've experienced with him and his best friend has been so unusual for me - and I recounted one night with them, driving around neighboring towns until early in the morning.
Just being.
How in that moment of pure life and joy of company with no requirements, I can recount-with a smile on my face- just how I felt and questioned how on earth I was so lucky to be there in that moment. How that moment will forever be etched in my mind and stored in my pocket. Stored in my amulet. How many other moments like those - of pure belonging and true friendship in hugs and time together- are stored close to my heart in that amulet, only to be retreived in dark times like this as glimmers of hope that joy comes in the morning. They're the warmth for my hurting soul and wounded heart. Some days, I spend more time reflecting than living in the present. If I don't focus on the pain, time allows my heart to heal.

All of this deeply impresses on me the importance of community. Of honesty. Of sharing life with people -whether it's seemingly broken life, or moments of joyful bliss.
We need good times and we need moments of brokenness. We need to feel alone to recognize when we're in great company.

And I, an innately positive person, need to understand deep sadness, depression and apathy so I can empathize with, appropriately care for and provide meaningful counsel to those that live it.
And I'll encourage them - and tell them what I see in them. I'll be sure to inform them what I feel they need to know - what God wants them to know. What I'll have to offer won't be based out of book recommendations for affirmation, but rather, from an honest heart to just be there with them and walk with them. Sometimes the greatest help isn't to do things for someone, but to support them as they try to do it for themselves.

And for me, I'll keep extracting memories of past and creating moments of good - to hold in my heart, my amulet, for those low days that will continue to come and discourage. I'll fight.

There's a season for everything under the sun. And so long as we're alive, seasons change. We may not always have those meaningful people with us - but we can choose what we carry with us, in our amulets. We can choose our weapons and the decision to fight. Jesus wins in the end. And that's something to hold to, to look to, and to keep us going.

What's valuable. What's worth it?

"It's not worth it". Her fingers held tightly to the plastic water bottle and her right knee bounced nervously as she glanced from me to the other faces around the table then back down at the bottle. It was as if she was gaining energy from that bottle, the label peeled off many minutes ago and the water emptied many minutes before that. You could see tears on the edge of her lower eyelids, ready to spill over any second. She swallowed and then glanced up at me one more time.

I met her eyes and asked "What would be worth it?"

Her answer was quick. "Nothing. Ever. I'm not going through this again."

I've been in this situation all too many times.

While she was referring to theft, the subject of our conversation could be anything - anything we compromise ourselves in doing, in being, in living the life we own.

In what do we find worth it? What is valuable? What are we willing to compromise. And for what? A fleeting moment of pleasure? That rush of excitement and thrill to break us out of our boredom? To embrace a moment of feeling alive?

Have we become robots? Have we become zombies? (Gah, I detest the term... those darn movies have annoyed me).

It's as if we walk around doing what we feel we should do instead of what we want to do? Are we caught in some assembly-line life because we're obligated to it? What if we broke out of that dead-man-walking line and escaped to the zig-zag pathway of less walked terrain and truly experienced something different?

Who are the Jones' and why do we have to keep up with them? Why does culture define the age we make choices and the path those choices are supposed to take us? I've read "dare to be different" so many times, nodded my head in agreement, stomped my foot in affirmation and then received a reprimand for following through on that dare.

Why aren't we living? Why are we numbing ourselves and then complaining about the lack of feeling?

We need to find our worth. We need to find our value -- in who we are. Not in our circumstances. Not in events. Not in people. In us. We need to find it in ourselves - in who we were made to be. Not in our job title or resume descriptions. In who you are. In the child of God that you were created as. In the fact that God loved you FIRST. In who He made you to be. You. Who YOU are...

Find life in yourself.

And live it.

Reflections....

WOW.

Last Thursday I received and accepted an offer for a new position at work - Program Coordinator. This concludes a crazy yet amazing year. One year ago I started working officially in my current position- Case Worker -only after going thru a tough interview that led to the biggest spiritual attack I've ever gone through in my life. Here I am one year later. There have been highs and there have been lows... but through it, God taught me some pretty amazing things. I feel different, I work differently, I'm moving forward into a crazy future of wherever God is leading me.
In all of this were some integral friends, friends that I sent this to by email and friends I SOO appreciate for how God has used them to influence my life.


I can only imagine - uh, no I can't really - all that God has for me in the next year. For real....


Let me explain. I have seen SO much in my life and in the lives of others that has really challenged me, encouraged me and PUSHED me into a deeper intimacy with Jesus. You see, that spiritual attack in starting my job at The Boys and Girls Club could have only meant one thing - that Satan did NOT want me employed there - that he wanted me to doubt myself and my ability to be effective in any capacity. Bam. He lost that battle. Jesus won....
A lot of what I've gone through at work has made me into a stronger person. I had the best co-worker ever (thank you Lana!!, a million times over. Her truthful words were good on SO many occasions. Altho I lose her as a work buddy, I will always have her as a sister and friend, no matter where God takes her! *ahem* -- something about "he needed to pee in my bed" comes to mind...Ask me another time.) who really made my job as enjoyable as it was.
I was a part of "Twelve" (a city-wide young adults event) and grew in fellowship with some awesome people - I MC'd the Twelve events and became introduced to the "Men of the House". Ha! I was asked to "speak" at The House, a church that I had started attending, coached by one of the leaders there. God poured into me in and through that experience. I learned that I AM capable of doing so many things provided that I lean on the true I AM. I closed a few doors on other "obligations" and was freed from draining ties. I prayed for "help" with finances and God answered 2 days later with a summer job at The House. ..... SO fitting...


I have since learned to prioritize my efforts and energies. God's helped me to recognize that I don't have to please everyone. I grew passionate in the worship of prayer, realizing that prayer can be pretty awesome. I've found friends that I can laugh uncontrollably with - especially by the campfire light! Friends have challenged and encouraged me during coffee dates. I went through a couple relationships that really killed my heart but made me so much stronger! Jesus had to break some of the idols in my life that were keeping me from Him. You don't realize how hard that can be until you go through it. I learned to confront people that were stepping on my toes -- a type of pain I would normally just "deal" with, hoping all the while that the other person will just walk away. I've learned to realize my value in Christ and how I am worth so much more than I have often let myself believe that I am. I had a friend tell me that her and her friends watch my life and are encouraged by how I live -- thus causing me to start examining all that they are watching, knowing that I have to be held accountable to more than just me for how I live. I had another friend give me a word from God - a word that has been sticking with me ever since: "If you can't see it, you can't have it." I never thought those few simple words could become the motto for this past year.


I discovered that there is NO other place I would rather be in this world than in the presence of God. (wow....). I drove down by myself to Jesus Culture in California. It's hard to really explain what happened because I believe that my way of thinking is different -- therefore I can't really compare to how I used to think. Does that make sense? Let me explain. According to neuropsychology, when you learn something new you can change your thinking. By that I mean that your actual brain anatomy changes. Neural pathways that synapses fire on are created and followed while others die off due to lack of use. Therefore, if you're activating different pathways after an experience, you can't "think" the same because you're not using the older pathways. Did I just confuse you all the more? Ah well... I tried. What I'm trying to say is that at Jesus Culture, Jesus touched my heart and mind with different realizations and passions so that when I drove home I was thinking differently than when I went down there. I had new desires, I had a renewed sense of purpose. I had more of Jesus and a stirring to seek more and more of Him....


I came back from the experience uncertain as to where I would be though - jobwise, lifewise... A pastor and friend down there told me I should move down and work at his church with them.... My heart really wanted to stay. Another friend told me to stay so that he could see where my giftings were -- possibly getting me a job with Jesus Culture itself. Uh.... yes please?! I knew it wasn't the right timing though. I had 'stuff' to sort through back home. I knew God wasn't' done with me here .... I came back to the offer of staying on at The House as an intern for the school year. I came back to the reality that my co-worker at the Boys and Girls Club was going to resign. I came back to a pastor challenging me on creating a singular focus in my spiritual life so that God can use me in full -- that I not distribute myself but define my outpour. I came back to some some stretching in becoming the woman God has designed me to be. Can I see it? How badly do I want it? Jesus was telling me to step up - He was asking me to take some leaps of faith, to take a few steps higher in my journey with Him. ..


So, when I wrote this last Thursday -- I was sitting in a church/student lounge/arts venue working one of my 2 evening shifts a week, being present in case students wanted to come and study. I am there to make hot beverages, chat, encourage, serve. That night, there was no one there. I had my music on loud and I was waiting for the washer to finish so I could go home. There, I have access to as much (or as little) chai latte's as I want. I'm in such a present place of God-filled peace that I can't feel anything but excited for the future. Monday (today) I started training "for real" for the *new* job I accepted last week. This week things get a bit busier at The House. In the next couple months I'm probably moving out on my own with a roomie to a house downtown.


One year. So much happened in ONE year. 365 days. I'm SOOOO excited for this next year. If God takes me south, I'm ready. If God builds more things here for me, I'm ready. If God takes me home, I'm ready. The only place I want to be is in His presence - the physical location doesn't matter much at all.
I do have to say though, He sure has given me some of the most amazing people I have ever met to encourage, challenge, love on, hug, cry with, laugh with, and hang out with. I have told them who they are. I thank God for them, MANY TIMES OVER - for putting up with me, for blessing me. I can honestly say that sometimes I sit in disbelief that the amazing people that they are care enough about me to spend their energy or time or words on someone like me. I'm blessed beyond belief and so unworthy. I can only hope and pray that they continued to stick around. ;)


“You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result” - Ghandi

Dynamite...

Do you ever feel like a stick of dynamite? Or one of those round bombs? or something that's going to explode? ...
I, for the last while, have felt like something inside of me wants to explode, burst, breakforth, .. SOMETHING.

And I don't mean that I'm in any kind of pain, not that kind of "explode", but rather in the sense that there's something inside of me I really need to let out. A good scream. A rant. SOMETHING.

It's like a psychological burp, waiting to come up...

And it will, I know it will...

I just need some good intense worship time with Jesus, I think.
Wow...
I'm listening to "I exalt thee" by Jesus Culture.. .Whoa. .. This song, this song... wow, it lights the spark within me....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-lY8VQpSTY

Wow. Life. Wow. God...

Life is what you make it, or rather, it is what you take from what happens as you live...

Wow...
I think i've stopped spinning, momentarily. Seriously.
No. I haven't come to a complete standstill as I am still moving. I just stopped SPINNING.

All I can say is, wow, God is good. No... God is amazing. He is faithful. He is ALWAYS there, and he sure gosh-darn-it knows what's BEST.

After speaking at The House on Feb 7, I went through what I like to call 7 weeks of hell. Yes. 7. The first week was pure torment and a questioning of EVERY relationship I have. I put some friends through the ringer; through some drills of questions about whether they even care about me. I felt affirmed, but it wasn't good enough. ... it was never good enough.
While dealing with the spiritual attack, God decided that having me in a vulnerable place might be a good time to allow some other trials/struggles/storms to overtake my mind. Yup... major storms.
In it though, I realized that I had created an idol in my life. I realized that I had been way too concerned about pleasing someone other than Him. During a worship night I prayed to see Jesus, I prayed to experience His presence, I told God I wished he could just be here in the flesh... In that prayer it was as if Jesus then said to me "okay Sharlene, if I showed up and asked you to come with me - leaving all else behind, would you come?" ... My first thought convicted me to the core. Rather than HECK YES!! it was "but... umm.. can _____ come too? Are they staying behind?"
At that moment my heart sank. Jesus whispered a "see...? see what you're putting before me? Learn to leave that behind and I'll take you on an adventure."

UGH...
That night started a shift. It let me to realizing that i NEEDED to let go of any distractions that would keep me from seeing God's full potential in my life.
Shortly before Christmas I met this guy named David. David has this unique and amazing connection with God - he is SO full of the Spirit, sensitive to God's voice like no one else I have ever met, and he LIVES out passion. On one of my worst days, David came up to me after church and gave me a hug, calling me 'sweetie' and looking me in the eye saying "you're really struggling right now, aren't you?" I looked at him, my eyes filling with tears as that was SO the truth. He nodded saying "I know. The Spirit told me." He put his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me then said "I think I have a word for you. God gave me this word last weekend, I didn't know who it was for, but I believe it's for you..." He opened his book and proceeded to read "If you can't see it, you can't have it." He closed his book and looked at me. "I don't know if it's for you, but pray about it and see if God tells you something in that..."
I came to realize it WAS for me. I came to acknowledge that if i can't "see" the potential other people see in me, or what God sees in me, or what God has planned for me, -- if i choose NOT to "see" it.. I can't HAVE it. God will not give me anything I don't ask for, that I don't believe in faith for.
If i refuse to build my giftings or test out my passions, why will God give me ways to use them in greater capacities? If I can't do anything with little, why will He give me much?
Huh.
Wow.
Confidence, my dear girl, CONFIDENCE.
Needless to say, I let go of my idol (HARD! but GOOD!). I took a step forward. I choose to surround myself with individuals who edify me and build me and pour into me. I in turn am able to BUILD others up with what God gives me in all of this.
I CHOOSE Joy in the morning. I CHOOSE to trust God with my life. I try to see past my own insecurities and subjective view to see what God might see in me and my life. I am looking at the big picture, rather than the single and narrow perspective I'm living in.
I've started to hang out more with David (and friends) - he's only 24 and he lives like this.. Wow. Such an inspiration. We believe God wants us to live in Him and His love ALL. THE. TIME. ...

I'm seeing what God has brought me through. I'm seeing what God is teaching me. It's so satisfying. I'm investing my life in the lives of some freakin' amazing people. During the week, i have regular "functions" for 5 out of the 7 nights. I'm getting to know this amazing girl every monday night, Tuesdays find me at K-HOP (Kelowna House of Prayer). Wednesdays I joined a Bible Study that looks at Finding the Will of God in Your Life. Thursdays - young adults. The other two fill up with random events/coffee dates/parties ... anything, and Sundays nights - The House. I am hardly home. ... but it's for God's glory! I LOVE it all. Being THIS busy is a blessing in that none of these events tear me down. I'll hang out with David in a group and he'll suddenly look at me and say "Do you feel Him? God? Do you feel Him?"... or, while sitting at my feet this past weekend he looked up at me and asked "What verse are you meditating on right now? What is God speaking to you about?"... He believes that any conversation that does NOT involve God is boring. He wants to do NOTHING but learn GOD. It blows me away. It causes me to look up. It blesses my heart. David blesses my heart.

In the midst of my struggle, in the midst of me realizing I've been worshiping other things than Jesus, God gives me a good influence of a guy like David... Or Heidi - a girl who is also so into the spirit that she'll come walking up to you and just look at you and say "you have this crazy joy inside you, it makes me dizzy! God loves that you carry it!" Their hearts are in sync with what God wants to do. It makes me want to be that in tune with Jesus, to be able to speak into lives like they have in mine, to be able to tell people what God wants them to hear!

It's through these situations and these people that I KNOW God is real. So unbelievably real. My heart is excited for what God has next....
WAHOO!! :D

Wow, it has been a while...

Okay..
So there is FAR too much to update as a whole so I'll just throw this out there..

I got the opportunity to speak at The House (one of my most favorite places) and have been asked to be in a form of leadership there. A few of my friends missed out on hearing me and I didn't think the night was recorded... but .. it was!! Go figure.. I may end up speaking again. I have yet to start working on what God wants me to "talk" on.

http://www.thehouseonline.ca/Church/Podcast/Entries/2010/2/11_House_Feb_7_2010.html

There ya are...

I MAY have a part time job coming up in that same lovely environment (The House) -- it was offered unofficially so I have yet to wait and see. I'm excited about it as it may be a HUGE answer to prayer for me...

My friends are lovely -- they keep me going.
I'm still super tight with the Teen Challenge crew. Probably too much so - but that is something I'm working on. They are some of the most amazing men though... i'm "addicted"...

I'm sure there's more I can talk about but... , this was for you Patti :)

Holidays...

I'm on Christmas "holidays" and it's just weird. I can't believe that Christmas is over and done. I can't believe I spent a couple hours at the mall on Boxing Day and didn't buy a thing.

I can't believe this year is almost over. I have been reflecting of late about what last year looked like for me and how things have transpired since "one year ago today". I can say that God is working me, and by working, I mean ROCKING... He is shaking things up. Literally. These last 3 months have been insane, hard, challening and yet, amazing. Considering the short amount of time it took for me to get from one place to where I'm at now, I can only imagine the next 3 months, or 6 months....
I care less about what people think and honestly stand on the FACT that God's opinion matters most.
I have a deeper longing and desire for the Will of God in my life -- and what He has planned for me -- more so than I thought possible. Better is ONE day in His courts than a thousand elsewhere.
Opposition DOES come from those closest, but, knowing the heart of God and having some friends share the same feelings can be really good.

--- I have had a LOT of people (including family) really question me in the reasoning as to why I'm not dating anyone, or married, or whatever else the societal norm for someone my age may be. I don't have an answer. I woke up a couple weeks ago with a verse though, God answered that question for me --- He wants me to be undivided right now. He doesn't want me to be distracted between a man and Him. He wants me devoted to him. It was amazing to hear that/read that/ understand that. It is SUPER challenging to just "be".... but in the process, wow. I've found relationships that I've really been "trying" in, those that I've been orienting a lot of life around and so called devotion to, have actually become easier and more honest. Relationships that feed off of me have fallen to the wayside and I don't care. It's like i'm shedding an old skin or old clothes or a bunch of unnecessary baggage.
I told one of my best people yesterday, that I'm letting go of the relationships and friendships that don't mean anything and pouring more energy into the ones that really do. They're what matter. I don't have to be everything to everyone, I just have to be me. Their response was almost identical to what I had been feeling but hadn't voiced. That conversation blessed my heart.

Needless to say, there are going to be changes in my life. Difficult ones for sure, but I know I have a good set of amazing friends to share them with, to endure them with, to walk through them with. Most of all, I know I have a God who has given me some amazing dreams and passions that I'm beginning to see pan out - and only because I'm giving Him control. He is showing me snippets of my potential. While inadequacy still likes to torment me, I believe in a God that wins, protects, loves, cares, and never leaves. I just need to keep pressing in.

and I will...

I'm spinning....

Life is insane. INSANE. Well, kind of.

I sure love it though...

This is the latest version of my world:

My days usually consist of work or rest with the social networking of my friends swirling around me....
I have two main groups of friends who are slowly getting to know each other (and crushing on each other).
I have two really good guy friends who communicate to each other through me. It usually goes like this. Jared: Hey Shar, can you invite Mark to join us for ______. OR, Mark: Shar, could you somehow get a message to Jared and get him to call me. He is invited to attend ____ and I need to talk to him. You see... Mark has a cell phone but no Facebook. Jared has Facebook but no cell phone. My Blackberry accesses ALL.... -- including friends in other cities. Sometimes Mark will grab my phone in order to instant message with our mutual friend in another city...

For some reason, I've become the central knowledge point of what's going on with everyone. I get random texts or messages from people wanting to know what's going on that particular evening, or if there is something, or if we could plan something and then get me to send out the messages. Oh dear. It's rather entertaining. My parents literally shake their heads cuz I am never home. I was at a games night a couple weekends ago and there were some people there that I knew of but we had never officially "met". In talking to them about how we know each other this guy says: "You know Shar! Everyone knows Shar. She knows everyone. The Mayor checks in with Sharlene before any decisions are made! Come on!!.... of course you know Shar!".
I cracked up. Oh my. Wow... Seriously.

My grandpa asks my mom if I have a boyfriend. My mom responds with "One? She's got about 6!" One week I brought home a different guy 3 days in a row (only for a few minutes to pick up something I needed for wherever we were going) and the guys come into the house and chat with my parents for a few minutes. I think after they leave ma and pa ask each other "Now which one was that??"

My car got toilet-papered Saturday night... so, I decided to get the guys back last night. I "pinked" their vehicles. I got them both, good (pink balloons, pink streamers, pink lei's). It was fun to be so sly - and the guys do NOT believe I acted alone. They will never know. Heh heh... Last night Mark asked me if I wanted to live to see 2010. This morning after Chapel at Teen Challenge he texted me to tell me that if I came to his office he wouldn't stab me. [-so, if i left without visiting him, i would have been shanked? He is a man of his word and he reminded me of that. After saying hi i did thank him for NOT shanking me... he told me that I came to his office so it wasn't necessary.] Jared on the other hand, thought it was a perfect pay back and perfectly executed. He was at volleyball and NOT expecting it then AT ALL. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Friday I am meeting one of the young adults pastors in town to discuss how I can work on a sermoning/talking. He seems to think i'll be a natural at it (from MC'ing at the city-wide stuff) and conversations we've had about what I do work-wise. He also seems to think i'd do a better job than him. HA! .. uh... right.... It'll be interesting to see where this goes though. It actually excites me because I have no idea where God is going with this... Yeah. Crazy. But... I know I'm influential in the group I am with for a particular reason, I know my friends see me as a leader for a reason -- I just have to really seek God out for that. And what's really funny is that my heart has been really discontented this week. Monday I really felt as if I need to dig deep into God and His word and His desires for my life -- and that day I chose to cancel my 'social events' for the week. No sooner did I do that then I got the coffee request from the pastor, and then I got a hang out request from one of my guys...

Work is crazy cool. I connect with youth and pour into their lives (or at least feel like I do) when I talk to them about the opportunity they have to turn their lives around. I have had 2 mom's cry on the phone with me this week about their sons involvements in drugs and the law. While I can't relate to them in that aspect I do think about some of my favorite people and how their mom's must have felt when they got into drugs -- about how I would feel if they got back into drugs. ... and then I talk to the youth and I pray that my words can be encouraging to them, that my words can spur them into seeking positive lives, that God can use me in this situation to push them back to "life" ...
And then I call a family after the conference to see how their youth is doing with his agreement and i hear "You know, Restorative Justice is the best thing we ever did. Our son has completely changed...." While I can't take credit for that change, I do know that I spent 40 minutes on the phone with that boy talking to him specifically about what he wants to do with his life, how he can get there, what are his dreams/goals, how a criminal record could wreck that, how despite his past and what he has lived through, he can take tomorrow and start living new with the purpose of fulfilling his dreams...

Wow, God. Wow.

Sometimes I wish Jesus were a person that I could touch - because on these days I just want to hug Him. Some days I need him to hug me, but mostly, I want to hug Him in thanks and praise for how He seems to be working in my life and providing ME with fulfillment....

Huh...

*reflecting....*

"All of my life, in every season, you are still God and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship"

Repeat x10.

Wow. So true.

Some days it is easier to 'worship' than other days. Some moments are more n'sync than others.

I haven't cried much in the last couple years. Up until New Years Eve of 2008, I probably couldn't have told you when I cried last. But i sobbed that day. And then.. early June. I cried hard one night .. And then again one morning late September. And again 2 weeks later. They're usually heart-break/boy related... except lately.
God has been chiseling away some things in my life. He's really trying to work at my heart and I think I'm finally letting Him. But wow... it's hard.

I have a reason to worship.

God's asking me to put away my 'invincibility' cloak, my stance of independence, my "i can do everything" attitude.
He's challenging me, asking me, ... "Sharlene. If you live like you need nothing, if you present yourself as having it all together, where is there room for Me to work. Where is there room for a guy to even TRY to enter?"

wait... what?

Apparently I'm intimidating. Apparently guys perceive me as leaving no airspace for them to offer me something I'm missing. Apparently I need to be more of a 'girl'.
In my plight to consider buying a condo, I opted to buy a new car instead. A hot one at that. I recently found myself a job that may become a career and lead to further opportunities and life fulfillment in where God's gifted me. I have a stellar boss/coworker who challenges me to step into new boundaries and expand my wings (both in the job and spiritually. She too loves Jesus.). I am putting my fingers and toes in city-wide young adult leadership -- being encouraged by pastors from other churches in my 'natural leadership' as the MC for city-wide events. (These are people I have been intimidated by and looked up to respectfully.) I have found myself so immersed in Teen Challenge that I am now overhear "Oh that's Sharlene. She's a friend of the ministry. We are are allowed to talk to her" when I am seen talking to a couple guys in the program.

I have a reason to worship.

I appear put together and very busy. Appear.
Whatever...
I only appear that way because I feel as if it is expected. That if I don't, I look weak. I do desire a husband. I do want a man to be influential in my decisions. I want someone to challenge me when others seem afraid to. But... the appearance I have created gives guys the impression that they would have to be Superman in order to penetrate my walls. My defense? I need a strong man to stand up to this strong woman. I can't handle a man I can walk over. God? Got me here?
And then... God says this. "Sharlene. Desire a man who seeks Me above all else. Everything will fall into place after that....."
Um... too easy, Lord. I've met tons of guys who claim you as "everything" and "their purpose" and are complete idiots.
"No Shar. Above ALL else. Above their jobs, above their social life... it will be apparent in who they are. Those guys obviously don't seek me above ALL else."

So.. I thought about it. A man who seeks God above all else will represent that in all facets of his life. He will love his wife like Christ loved the church. He would die for her. He will gain a respectable job and work as though working just for the Lord, providing sufficiently for his family. He will be a father who wants to build his children up to be Jesus-seeking children and love on them until death. ... The rest will follow so long as he is seeking God above all else.

That is what I want.
I have a reason to worship.


I've met a guy recently who does challenge me. He is such a 'words' guy that anytime I say something that may be a slight exaggeration, or possibly insincere, he repeats it back to me in question. He's not afraid to stand up to what I say or do. It's a new feeling. My respect for him has increased 10 fold. He's no sycophant. He does NOT put me on a pedestal or flatter me so i return his calls/texts. And yet, he appreciates me and lets me know that who I am means a lot to him. Whether or not this guy will be 'the' guy matters not. What matters is that I'm learning there ARE those guys out there.

I have a reason to worship.

I'm learning that God has me. He has a plan for me. He's providing for me. ... I just need to keep my eyes focused on HIM and not what is going on around me. For this, I have reason to worship.

Meh, title schmitle....

1. What's your favorite line from a movie?
Umm... "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPACHINOS!" or...pretty much ANYTHING from Zoolander. Or Princess Bride. Those movies are LIFE to me sometimes..


2. What "group" did you belong to in high school?
I think we were kind of the "academics". No drugs, no hard core partying, all had plans for post-secondary education (and i think we all got a degree in something). I did float around to all the other groups though, I was able to socialize with everyone (thankfully).

3. If you had $1000 just for yourself what would you spend it on?
I wouldn't be able to pinpoint something actually. I'd rather take someone else out and spend it on them.



4. What was your favorite childhood cartoon?
Favorite? Yikes. Perhaps Inspector Gadget? [the GIRL had the brains.... ]

5. What kind of sleeper are you?
I like all positions...

AND.... 1sts.

1. Do you still talk to your first love?
If referring to the first guy i dated? We're facebook friends. I don't know if i can actually say "first 'love'". He was a treasure given to me at that time... Every guy I've crushed on since then has been deeper still. The current? Deepest yet, but also the most inspiring.


2. What was your first alcoholic drink?
Strawberry Margarita.

3. What was your first job?
Mc Donalds. Loved it.

4. What was your first car?
'86 Dodge Aries "K". It rocked my world for 6 years.

5. Who was the first person to text you today?
On Blackberry Messenger - got a "good morning" from Cam.
Actual text this afternoon: Mark

6. Who was the first person you thought of this morning?
I can't remember...

7. Who was your first grade teacher?
Miss Reynolds.


8. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane?
I have NO idea. I was probably a baby, flying from Saskatchewan to BC. International? Perhaps Hawaii or California... I was maybe 5?
.
9. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk?
Cara Andrews. And nope .... My best friends since then? DEFINITELY.

10. Where was your first sleepover?
Wow... like anyone could remember all those elementary school birthday parties!

11. Who was the first person you talked to today?
My cat. or.... this youth at work - telling me that Starbucks wasn't allowed in the building. He was funny. Oh wait! The lady at Starbucks!


12. Whose wedding were you in for the first time?
I was a flower girl in my uncle's wedding when i was probably 8. Bridesmaid in my brother's wedding.

13. What was the first thing you did this morning？
Check my phone for emails/FB status updates etc.... wondering if it was worth it to turn on the computer.

14. What was the first concert you went to?
Jesus Northwest. That was an amazing experience... The biggest names in Christian music back in '97. Camping. Cool people.

15. First tattoo?
July 10'07. "Jesus" on my right ankle.

16. First piercing?
My ears, when i was 4? Also got an earring at the top of my left ear with my best friend Kerri back about 9 years ago?


17. First foreign country you went to?
Is Tijuana MEX foreign? Or how about the US? .... Otherwise, Bonaire? OR many countries in Europe.

18. First movie you remember seeing?
Bambi!

19.What state did you first live in?
The state of being alive. A healthy state!

20. Who was your first room mate?
Sarah and Tanya

21. When was your first detention?
Didn't meet detention.

22. the list I stole this from didn't have a 22, so I guess I won't either!
23. or a 23??? random

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance?
Sign language. Or both German and French.

25. Who will be the next person to post this?
Meh... no one. I was just bored. And i stole it from Julie's site.

Fast Fall...

Wow.. It has been a while. But i don't think I have honestly been able to sit down long enough to post a blog - or maybe I just haven't been motivated to.

So...
Hello friends!

It has been a busy last couple of weeks! Seriously. But now, fall is going to get even FASTER...

1. NEW JOB! Wahoo! This job is a TOTAL answer to prayer. I had a peace this whole year in regards to where God was leading me because i KNEW He was leading. Don't get me wrong, there were moments when I said "I have NO idea what You're doing, God. I have NO idea what I will be doing this fall." But I did know that I had some options, some possibilities... but then, WHAM! God opens a door. It is NOTHING i could have done on my own ... NOTHING. And now, i'm more than excited for my future. .... The places this job could possibly open doors to is exciting. --- Like I wrote in my very first blog post, I love RJ.

2. Young adults. Wowzers.... I'm involved in 2 young adults groups. One being my home church's and the other, the city/valley-wide one. My church's young adults is doing a major re-vamp - going from having 400 young adults coming out to a staring over... We met Saturday to discuss what we want to see happen and such, and I'm excited for the 'casual' feel we want to take to start and see where God wants to lead. Our city wide gathering ("12") will be monthly *YAY!* and our kickoff is on the 25th. Somehow I was recruited to MC the event.... *gulp* but... it'll be fine. Even tho we're expecting about 250 people, they're all amazing, I know it! Haha.

3. Friends. Wow. I know some amazing persons. For real I do. I'm honored, daily, ...and humbled. I have my TC Boys who teach me things on a regular basis - their Wednesday public chapel I try to attend (and can with the flexibility my new job!). Aside from their jokes about how i'm not addicted to drugs - yet- , or haven't been drunk - yet-, or corrupted -yet-, they're continually holding me to a higher God-fearing accountability. I have been swimming in their staff house pool at 10pm (COLD!) and played cards there until 1:30am. I've been asked to help out with their Golf Tournament fundraiser coming up this Friday (I get a t-shirt! Score!). They are some of the most amazing men I have ever met. For real.
I have also been hanging out with another guy who has recently become a great challenging brother in faith. He has layed out some things for me to think about - nothing I can talk about right now, but encouraging yet challenging things.
I have a good set of girlfriends that I can talk to about anything and everything... I hang out with a couple different groups and do random events quite often. I can't say enough good stuff about my amazing friends.
3b. I'm planning a surprise party for one of my TC boys next week. He will be clean for 2 years and he's SO excited about that. I think it's pretty amazing.... it's the least I can do for him.

4. I'm thinking about taking the 'next' step in life and buying a condo or apartment here. I know Im ready to move out... and now that I am in a 'career' position, there is no better time. .. we'll see....

....
life is good. it's busy. there's something going on every night it seems ... but tonite i decided to opt out of 3 events to have a quiet night in.

-and no, no boyfriend. Just amazing friends who are filling that spot right now. They love me when I'm lonely, encourage me when I'm sad, and continue to push me to look to Christ for all things. I couldn't ask for a better place to be right now than where I'm at.

Praise God for that.

What is your worst decision worth?

One minute I was rejoicing at the amazing friends and people i have in my life. The next minute I'm frustrated with the accident I am coming upon just north of Spokane. All I want to do is get home. I'm exhausted. I was at one of my best friends' wedding the night before, got 3 hours of sleep and had just attempted 'rest' on 2 airplanes. Rest and I didn't get much facetime. And now a detour?

Ergh... So, as i'm Blackberry messaging one of my best guy friend's about how i'm frustrated with the upcoming detour and accident, i get closer.

And then I see it.

And it hurts my heart.

I get SO convicted. Here I am, wallowing over a few lost moments in traffic. A few lost minutes in daytime driving. And in front of me is a destroyed SUV. A yellow tarp over the passenger side of the SUV.

Medical personnel unloading older children from the second vehicle that sat crookedly on the edge of the road upwards of the embankment.

My stomach drops.

I continue to watch, our row of cars stopped in line. Ahead is a man, a volunteer waving cars one direction and then the other so as to keep the busy highway moving along the detour. The cars in front of me start to move and i eventually get close enough to see the man waving us all, his face exhausted and sweaty, doing all he can to not think about what was going on behind him. I roll down my window and shout a "thank you!" -- the best encouragement I could sum up at that moment as he urged the line up through faster.....

I drove away, those images forever etched in my mind. I replayed the fact that those young boys being pulled out of the truck one by one, probably 1o or 11 years old, were witness to something horrible. They would have watched the medical team go to that SUV and try to assess the people inside -- to try to save them. Those boys saw it all. They would have been driving along when all of a sudden,

*SMASH!*

their truck spins to a stop.

I can only imagine their thoughts of confusion, fear, and pain....
Hearing silence, then other cars pulling over, people running over and asking if they are okay. Perhaps a few screams and sighs of bystanders as they see the wreckage, the hurt, the devastation.

Those boys saw it all....

They will forever see it. Feel it.

and my heart hurt.

No. It burned.

I got so frustrated.

They call it an accident but there are really no such things as accidents. There are choices and consequences. Actions and reactions.

Why can't we take the responsibility for what we do (or don't do)? Why can't we hold ourselves accountable to the life we live? I am beginning to ask myself that.

I'm so guilty of texting and messaging while I drive. I can honestly say that I try to keep the typing to stop lights or parked positions, but I don't always. I've talked to paramedics who say that there are so many collisions as a result of people texting while driving. I can't sit here typing this and dictate how wrong it is because I know it takes away from the full concentration I should be placing on my driving and the potentailly hazardous driving methods of those around me. That would be hypocritical. I know i do it. I admit it and will take responsibility for my actions = but I would rather NOT see the worst that can happen...

I message back and forth with Cameron daily. I get mad when he's answering me as he drives so i tell him to message me when he's home and off the highway. Or I call him instead (probably not MUCH safer).

But how much is a life worth? Those few extra seconds of an immediate response?

How much is a lifetime of counseling worth? A few minutes of texting?
What is life without a parent/sibling/friend/child? A prideful ego so as to not get a taxi after a few too many drinks?

After driving away from that accident it all came out. My heart was bursting with frustration for the human race's selfish pursuit of convenience and pride. We build faster cars so we can thrill ourselves in stupid moments and wind up just killing harder.

We come up with sweeter drinks so that we don't taste the alcohol that is really destroying our insides and clogging our judgement.

We insist on driving home after no sleep because we don't want to camp out on the side of the road and look like a fool. Uh huh.

I can only imagine how sad God must get as He watches us destroy ourselves one by one. Two by two. Five at a time....

I don't believe there are such things as accidents.

I picked up my phone to intentionally message Cam and took my eyes off the road for a few seconds at a time as I typed each word.

One man chose to drive despite his extreme fatigue and wound up crossing the center line into oncoming traffic as he fell to sleep at the wheel.

She chose to drive despite the fact that she felt a little wobbly walking. Maybe 4 drinks was a bit too much. Ah well... home isn't THAT far..

I drove away from that accident knowing what it's like to see the hospital emergency room in a trauma situation. I've also seen the family come in at 3am and sit in the lobby waiting for the nursing supervisor and the coroner to come and meet with them to discuss the next step. Their eyes are red rimmed, they are trying to be brave but sit down and sob convulsively. I've heard nurses and doctors say that the patient is better off dead despite their struggle to live on account of the present circumstances surrounding the situation as a whole...
I know a girl who lost her mom in a tragic and sudden car crash. Five years later she is still dealing with it. She will miss her mom for the rest of her young life.

I know those kids will probably need to talk to someone about their experience on that highway that morning, - for years to come.

I know that those who stopped to help will need to sit and process for a good couple days after being witness to that tragedy.

I know the paramedics and firemen who showed up to help will need to hug a loved one when they get home - and maybe even cry in those arms.

I also know that car crash could have been prevented. I know it all could have been avoided.
I don't know the how and why. All I know is that i can make choices in my life that can better lives and choices that can detriment lives.......

I don't need yellow tarps in my wake.

...

as I drove away, not too much later, Mat Kearney's album came on my mp3 player and the song Renaissance played... :

"it happened fast in a flash just this evening

i hit the gas, horn blast, brakes screaming
car crash, broken glass, broke my dreaming
i hit the dash so fast my ears are ringing
my sister’s on the right side just slightly leaning
i grabbed her hand hard until she started breathing
my brothers in the back jaw cracked from the beating
the breath in my chest has slipped and i’m sinking
blinking through diamond spider webs of cracked glass
i’m trying to remember all the words you said in the past
through the ash, siren screams and red beams
i hear you sing softly to me
i can be the wall when you fall down
find me on the rocks when you break down
i heard it in the song when you call out
but i got to say now it’s got to change"

We have to change. We need to change. We need to take responsibility for our choices, our actions... our lives. Because, they are all we have to show for ourselves in the end. Standing before the one who gave us the life -- who's very name is the breath we breathe, we need to realize we have to account for every choice we make. Lying is NOT an option when the very God who made us knows our every thought.

What is your worst 5 seconds worth?

Haha!

God SOOOO knows when I need a little encouragment.

Today, not feeling so hot, just kinda blah.
I decide to go get myself a coffee but in order to get as much sunshine as i can, i took the long way around Rehab outside as opposed to inside.

I walk up to the doors that go into the lobby and there's a few patients hanging around outside the door - usually smoking, but this one guy was just sitting in his wheelchair, he looks at me and yells out "Hey, did your boyfriend tell you that you look beautiful this morning?"
... i keep walking up the path, smile and say, "uh... no".
I wasn't about to get into an "i don't have a boyfriend" conversation because those usually go a way I don't like.

Especially with patients.

He replies "well then give him shit!".

ha! ...
I laugh and tell him thanks as I walk into the building.

He made my day.

Like i said, sometimes God uses the most unusual people to encourage you when you need it most...

An Un-Career?

I was emailling a friend this am when I started to really ponder the expectations of a worldly life.
Career and Family come to mind.

What if we chose NOT to live that way. Okay. Forget that. What if "I" chose not to live that way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go out and attempt some form of a new anti-work cult or phenomenon, BUT... what if we were meant to live for so much more. I'm talking about career, not family. Family IS important.

Let me explain.

For the past 6 years I've been trying to figure out what i want to "do" with my life. Scrap that. For ALL OF MY LIFE I have been trying to discover who I really am and what my purpose is. I have passions for certain things, I have giftings and abilities in certain areas, I am able to do this or that... God's given me opportunities for various experiences that have really changed who I am or where I'm going.
Yes, I know, I'm still being vague.
But this is my point. What if life is NOT based on obtaining some sort of skill set in a particular area and living it out for the rest of one's life. What if life is more about the experiences and the adventures, more about the being and impacting than about the doing and making. Maybe that's why people tend to 'change their career' at least 6 times...

I believe there is truth in the difference between 'working to live' and 'living to work'. I see way too many people "living to work" and falling hard when they stop because they know nothing else. I have known people who, within 6 months of retiring or after retiring, die - never getting the chance to complete their "bucket-list" or life-fulfilling intentions.
Who, i want to know, WHO decided that one MUST live their life in a molded career in order to be socially accepted as a responsible adult. Really, I do.
I have always joked that perhaps i'm not meant to live a long life because I was never "driven" to become something in particular. My life-long dream goal was never to "be a mommy" as so many of my friends have told me they want, or to be a nurse, or a lawyer, or ... whatever the rest of my family members have found themselves doing. I can never see myself 'doing' certain things for the rest of my life. I have always wanted different things (and then some! I want a family too, i want to get married and have a family... but I know it will happen in time, God's time and God-willing).
But what if, now I know this might be out of the box, but what if we were designed for a 'work to live' life?
WHAT IF:
~we made money only so that we could give it away and actually do something with it.
~we focused more on our 'after-work' life than our 'work-life'.
~the first question we asked people was 'so, what do you do that gives you joy' rather than 'so, where do you work/what do you do?' -- in fact, i think the next time that someone asks me what I do I'm going to tell them that "I live". - [This past weekend at a family reunion I had a cousin of my dad ask me what I do and i looked at her and said "lots". She looked at me critically and said "I remember your parents saying something about school, but I can't remember what exactly." I smiled and said "yeah, there is that.. ... but i think I should find out what they said I did exactly before I can agree or deny! Haha." I think my response shocked her. I didn't have the answer she expected. I didn't say "I work at ____" or "I'm a(n) ______". I do lots. And the majority of it brings me more joy than anything and no cash.]

-- it kinda reminds me of that part in Ever After where the Prince tells Danielle that she has more passion for books and life in the few statements she shares and the few books she's been opportuned to read in her peasant upbringing than all the book scholars and librarians and teachers and other intelligent influences he's had in his priviledged life.

I think we need to live with passion. We need to find somethign that we LOVE to do... and DO it. No matter the cost.

My heart is torn and herein lay the problem. I WANT to become someone of influence. I want to be a joy to the Lord always. I want to impact the lives of my friends in whatever way i possibly can. At the same time, I also want to do something that represents a career or work-life, and something that I enjoy. I guess the two can be intertwined or one in the same, but.... to find out what that is remains a work in progress.

* sigh *

Decisions, decisions, decisions...

I had put a lot of weight on my acceptance/rejection from school this year as far as planning anything for the fall went.

Everything has been up in the air.

And then I caught up with some rad "friemily" from California (friends + family = friemily) who proposed i intern their church for 6 months.

Whoa. Wrench in the wheel.
My world stopped.
I have NOTHING holding me back. This could be my life for the next 8 months!

After talking it over with God some, discussing it with friends, and weighing pros and cons, I am somewhat excited about the opportunity. Maybe, just maybe THIS is where I need to go/what I need to do this fall.

I am in the early stages of constructing a city-wide young adults retreat though (with others) and am hoping to get October secured for that... It would be pretty awesome... For which we could get my friemily from Cali to speak at??? Potentially.
We need to secure it and hash out the details financially first - and then so on...

And then i got my letter in the mail. NO GO for school. Whoa. Crazy. Perhaps California is where I need to be. All my close friends say "yes"... Jesus and I are still talking.
These 6 months, altho daunting, could be another amazing six months in my life, just like the 6 i wouldn't trade for any money in the world, the 6 months I spent in Germany at Bodenseehof.

As for now...

Creationfest is in 3 weeks. I'm SO unbelievably excited. I can't wait to jump around to amazing worship bands like Casting Crowns, mosh to Skillet, fall to my knees in worship during David Crowder, hand-slam with the boys to LeCrae...
I'm camping with my friends from Teen Challenge. Heart them. I can't wait to celebrate the fact that I met them there 1 year ago. Wow. 1 year. they'll be getting a good kiss on the cheek from me!!

I never thought...

I never thought....

... I would find psychometric testing so interesting

... I would meet my best friends at a music festival in a different country

... I would be living at home when i'm 30.

... I would be hit on by attractive doctors and be so turned off

... I would want to jump out of an airplane at 12,000 feet

... I would want to love on my friends so deeply

... I would be so inspired and influenced by a couple of former drug addicts, longing to spend so much more time with them

... I would feel so blessed and loved

... I would wish I could relive a particular 6 months in Germany again just to embrace certain moments more memorably, after not wanting to have been there in the first place

... I would know such amazing people

... I would have such a strong passion for particular things

... I would be so addicted to my Blackberry

... I would be reprimanded via text message for not saying hi or hello in person

... I would care so much about coffee conversations

... I would buy so many clothes

... I would find intelligence and leadership so attractive in men

... I would be so involved in many things relating to justice

... wierd people could have the best things to say.

----
Jesus does amazing things in a willing heart. Does He have access to yours?

Friendship

I'm reading this book that was recommended to me by a sweet girl I know. The book is "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist.
I came across these paragraphs in a chapter called "Swimming" and i just want to share them, they're that good... [you can actually listen to the whole chapter on her website]

...
"That's what friendship looks like to me. Friendship is acting out God's love for people in tangible ways. We were made to represent the love of God in each other's lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God's love for them. Friendship is an opportunity to act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can't always see from where we are. ...
True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop own into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that . We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what people think of us. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they'll leave. But what we give up is nothing in comparison to what this kind of friendship gives to us. Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control it and manage it, and manufacture it, then it's something else, but if it's really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."

Good, yes?
I sure thought so....

Outside in the Summer...

I like to be outside in the summertime. It's beautiful!
This weekend was full out outdoor activities: minigolf (x2), beach volleyball, bbq's, swimming in the lake, water fights..

Outside holds the adventures. Outside holds the potential for friendships. Outside holds the potential for hurts and insecurities.... but it holds so many tangible things.
You can't smell the rain when you're inside. You can't feel the soft new needles on the pine trees, or the texture of living flower petals when you're not outside (unless it's a bouquet of flowers, and we know that those flowers are already dead..). You can't feel the wind.

I forgot how much i love the beach until I went there yesterday. The mixture of smells: suntan lotion, wind off the water, picnic lunches, grass, perfumes and colognes, the trees... It's all so lovely. Everyone seems happy at the beach. Soaking up the sun, swimming in the water - the excitement that summer is HERE!!!

Welcome summer... welcome. Come hang out for a while.

Week 2

No. I will not continue every week of being 30 with an blog denoting such... But this week feels like it sooooo closely follows the premise of Week 1 that I had to title it as Week 2.

I still don't feel 30 - and i don't think i will EVER feel the age I am progressing to each year. I'm stuck at 26. For now. I have a friend who's 24. He told me that HE feels 30, so we decided to change ages. Is that permissible?... Shoot.

I got a message on my FB from one of my most beloved friends. She's pretty much one of my besties (I think i have 3, or 4?) and it REALLY sucks that she lives in Phoenix AZ. I can attest though that perhaps it's a good thing she's that far away, because i fear that if she spends TOO much time with me I'd drive her nuts and further away.. I'd hope not. But she's one of those friends that you want to spend MORE time with, glean off of, hang onto, and hear every word from . Anyways. I had been firing off email after email of certain updates that have been occuring in my life - mostly concerning a certain *crush* (ridiculous, I know, but we do that don't we...) and everything else that has been occuring. She's a prayer warrior, she's studying for the Arizona Bar Exam (2 months away from being a lawyer!) and unbeknownst to me has not been attending to her email account for the reasons of study. We would send a text everyone once in a while... we would fb every once in a while... but i haven't talked to her in..... MONTHS (way too long). Her message alluded to me being on her heart more than normal and the urgency for her to pray for me -- she wanted to know what was up. ..
THAT NIGHT.... i should have had heartbreak. But rather than heartbreak, I had a heart opening. Rather than feeling my stomach and heart collide, swap places and shake my world I live in, I felt my heart grown with adoration and affection. After being told by my *crush* that he's going on a date with this girl he has been interested in for a LONG time and finally had the balls to ask out, I stood there and cared about him, I stood there and rejoiced with him.
That has NEVER happened before. (I have pretended to, but never genuinely done so). I conversed with him trying to understand HOW my heart could possibly be increasing in phileo for him despite my personal feelings - AND tried to keep my head in the conversation. .... It was a marvel.
The next day, after FINALLY chatting with my AZ friend for nearly 3 hours I realized the power of prayer - the power of pursuing God's prompting in praying for someone when He puts them on your heart. I realized that my friend's prayers were in preparation for what that night held... (not that it was a MAJOR traumatic event potential, but ... big enough for my books in terms of killing my joy for a few days). Her prayers were offered to God in sweet inscense and showered around my heart as a protection from pain. God gave me wisdom, He gave me compassion, love, joy, peace.... all things good. My feelings for *crush* have maintained themselves and our friendship has increased in quality. I know that if the crush feelings fade, I will ALWAYS have a good solid friendship with this guy.... and that's a killer blessing.

THIS is what true friendship is.

It is about praying for people, not just thinking about them. It is about standing next to them when they're fighting something wicked.... It is about full on loving them when they need it the most.

I got a birthday present from another bestie (one who lives in Omaha NE - darn friends live so far away. I guess that's what happens when you meet them in Germany). It is a book on friendship - different quotes. On the second last page is a quote that so fittingly depicts my heart for these 2 particular friendships --- or many friendships in my life. It fit so well with the last 2 weeks, with the revelations God's been giving me, and how I really feel deep down.

"The very best friends have the kind of relationship where each thinks she's getting the better part of the deal."

I do hope and pray you have a friend (or friends) like this in your life. They really are God's gift.

I "heart" my friends...

I have officially lived through one week of being 30. Whoa. That still sounds wierd. My mind is stuck at 25 or 26. Literally. These past 4-5 years didn't really mature me, uh, I think. Oh wait, they totally did. Kinda.

I had a WONDERFUL birthday week.
I trained with a pseudo-mom for 2 days. She commanded me to take stock of what I have, of who I am, of what I have been blessed with, what I've done so far, and to make a list of what I'm thankful for.
On the eve of my 30th I did that. I also knew i would be seeing some of my favorite people on my birthday so I felt thus compelled to let them know how thankful i was for them in my life.
My birthday day comes -- and i embrace the morning.... I open gifts alone, get myself together, and go to chapel at Teen Challenge. No one who was there knew it was my birthday altho i was told I looked really pretty that morning. The ones who DID know the importance of the 'prettiness' were noticably absent. .. .. One was called out to do a job of some sort, and the other took himself to ER. The whole ER thing caused my stomach to drop, literally.
What?
Should I go? Or carry on with my intention to go camera shopping? Pffffftt. The idea stopped there. Hello, seriously. Is there even something to consider? It is at this point that one realizes how much someone means to them..... If it were any other guy from TC in emerg, i probably would not have gone.
I raced to emerg, went in the back way my heart just a pounding. See.. this good friend of mine had just returned from 3 weeks in Africa -- and 6 weeks before that he had just gotten back from 3 weeks in the Philippines. I envisioned him sunken and sallow in a hospital bed crowded with nurses and IV's, being medicated to save his life from some horrid parasite that was literally eating him to death.
He wasn't where I thought he would be so i walked into the nurses station and looked at the boards that show where all the current patients are. (oh the perks of having worked there 4 years and having the staff know you). His name was on the board, he was probably just with someone... I go back. This time I find him sitting in a seat, slouched down, flipping thru a book he brought with him. I walk past a few patients towards him. He looks up and just stares at me. I think he was computing the whole concept of what the heck was I, someone he knows, doing there, when he felt like death.
It was my birthday. He knew it. And I spent an hour and a half sitting in ER with this amazing friend of mine. I got to know him more. I made him laugh, smile, joke and tell me that it wasn't wierd that I was there. I think he enjoyed my company. He found the fact that the doctor waved at me and the nurses chatted with me amusing. One nurse asked him if security should be called for the fact that I was harassing him (harassing was what I told them i was doing there, them knowing full well that i wasn't a patient).
Turned out, he was fine. Probably a parasite but one that will pass with time. Better he know and be relieved than to stress about it and enduce more panic... I walked him out to where he parked and gave him the "thank-you" card. He looked at me and said "it's YOUR birthday and you have a card for ME". I told him what i was doing -- why i was doing it. So again, he looked at me "You're thankful for me." Statement. Like he was digesting it. Probably overwhelmed with what to think about me stalking him in emerg...

I went for lunch with 2 amazing gals. We sat in the park, in the sun, talked about life --- the differing adventures we're on. ..... I gave them their cards. We got a bit of a sunburn but we also were able to talk about stuff we haven't had the chance to yet... I got to share my opinion and worry about one of their relationships with a guy. We ate sushi and cheesecake. I thanked Jesus for the day thus far.

I went to dinner with the fam and my friend meghann. I like my family. they're cool people. They've raised me well. Meghann and I hung out after that. I like her...... i heart her. We have fun together. She's honest with me. She's straight up. She's not afraid to challenge me when my thoughts get ahead of me and could drift into silliness...

Throughout the day I had countless messages/texts/facebook alerts and blackberry messenger chats attacking my phone. It was buzzing nonstop. I was overwhelmed. .... and sooooo blessed.

This is what I have realized -and later told the 12 people that stuck it out to 2am, sitting around my birthday bonfire 2 days later. We all make choices in our lives. Some good, some bad. We learn from them, we move on from them, we are influenced by them.. our lives are changed through them. One of the BIGGEST choices we can make is to choose to be a friend to someone. Seriously. It's in the moments of our lonliness that we WISH we had someone to be our shouder, or the other half of an embrace. It's in the times we are overflowing with joy that we savor sharing our happy dance with someone who'll dance with us. --> It's in those moments that we're needed to be there for other people. It's in those times when God prods us to call someone up, or invite someone out -- those sensitive moments that can really change a person's life. THOSE kinds of choices are the most amazing gifts --- the gift of friendship - CHOOSING to be a friend to someone else has an amazing effect on you, me, us, anyone. I told my friends that i am so blessed to have had them all choose to attend my birthday party when they could have been so many other places. I am so blessed by their influence in my life. I really am. Especially when I sat back after the party was over and read all the birthday cards ... after I realized there were close to 45 people who came.. (chose to)... after I thought about how the last 8 people decided to pray over me and ask God to bless my life for another year.
God is good... SOOOO good. He has given me some pretty awesome people to love on, to love me...

I have girls in my life who seem to embrace my thoughts as wisdom.
I have guys in my life who seem to embrace my words and attention as encouragement.
I have friends .... I really have friends. I heart them. I make sure they know it.

-- haha. .. and tonite, i now have 2 favorite guys telling me they will fix my car. One will do it himself, the other will get his 'crew' to do it.. One lives here in town, the other is 3 hours away. I'm laughing inside. I want to marry them both. ( :please note that the last sentence is NOT to be taken literally: )....