Man Friends

I've come to realize that I'm better off being friends with guys that are taken. And by friends, I mean really good friends. Like brothers. But not.
The only problem is, they have a girl, and all too often those girls do not like me.

To be blunt, guys like me. They find me entertaining. I'm easy to be with. I don't try to jump them and I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Straight up, I'm looking for a husband. If I determine that they're not what I want to marry, they're in the friend zone and get to hang out with me without the worry of anything else. Well, until they want more, or I need them too much. Then it gets complicated and I avoid a conversation and push them away in silence until things are no longer awkward...

Well, ... okay. That's how it works in my head. But, I also have a history of screwing up those idyllic situations and making them weird. I lose friends. And it sucks. Girls either have girl-crushes on me, or they hate me.
Why can't we all just be friends?

One day it'll all make sense, it'll be okay, and I'll have a husband whom I'll have to be able to trust hanging out with girls that are not me. Wait, what? No.. ... uh. Yes. I'll trust him. Shoot. Just call me the queen of double standards.

My point?
Oh yes..

I had these two guy friends -- back... 3 years ago. I crushed on one of them but he didn't like me, the other one crushed on me but I didn't like him. Things got sticky. My heart broke. God took them both away from me because i made them into idols. I depended WAY too much on them. It was the hardest thing ever.
Fast forward to now: both of them have amazing gals. One's been married over a year, the other is getting married in a matter of weeks. And what is even more amazing than their gals, is the fact that God has completely - and i mean completely- repaired my heart and our friendships. No joke. It brings tears to my eyes to think about. These are 2 Godly men that God put in my life to learn from. I did learn, a lot. They were a significant part of my growing up process. The problem was that I attached myself to them rather than to Jesus. And now, after all of this letting go and giving up and surrendering and missing.. (I would still cry on occasion, missing their friendships, years later)... they're back in my life in a healthy way. No awkwardness, no worry, no concern. And I love them so, so much. I love their wives. I love their hearts. I love that I can be friends with them.
And I love that they love me.

That they forgave me and my foolish heart.

Praise Jesus for forgiveness and healing and new life. Praise Him that His plan is so much better than mine can be.

I threw my heart into the sea, with everything that it contained. But it came back to me, washed and clean, purified and new.


Wow.

Living eulogies, fear and amulets.

Before New Years sprung upon us, I was asked if I make resolutions and if so, what had I ambitioned for this year. I gave a polite no and repeated back to them what was succinctly said to me a few weeks previous: if I want to make a change, I make it; I don't need to wait for the numerical year change to do so.

I continued to describe what I meant. I think I just want to be fearless - or rather, less afraid to say what it is that I want to say. I can go in many different directions with this, but first, I want to say this: Why are we so afraid to tell people what they mean to us while we have them? Why do we wait until they die to announce just how much they meant to us? I want to be more intentional in telling those that have meant the world to me, just how much that worth is. I want them to know that if I were to die, they made an impact in my life. I want to know that if they died, I'd said what I wanted to say to them. Living eulogies. Or eugooglies. However rediculously goodlooking you want to prounounce it.

Why don't we do this all the time? Why do we compliment with the underlying expectation of getting something back? Why do we hope that if I say something 'nice' to someone, I'll get the compliment I need? Why can't we just outright admit that we need to be encouraged, or say that we're not feeling super good about ourselves that day and need a hug - whether in words or body? Why are we sooooo darn afraid to show our vulnerability. We.All.Bleed. We're formed out of the SAME stuff!! No one is invincible -- unless the came from Krypton, and well, he's pretty awesome... -nevertheless, as strong as we pretend to be, we aren't invincible.

But we're afraid. We live in the fear that people might find out we're not holding it all together without faking it. Well. I did.

I'll be honest - now. I've started sharing my deep down insecurities. I have a lot of fear. I'm totally afraid of showing my weakness. I'm scared to be vulernable. I fear rejection and being hurt. I have limits.
And straight up honest, I've hit them and crashed.

Hard.

And it hurts.

So, I've had to start seeing someone and frankly, I should have started a while ago. After one session, I've realized so much about myself -- and was called a poser in the process. It's so true though, we put on the facade we think others expect from us (or at least I did) and try to live out this perfect persona. The problem is, it comes across far too perfect (at least I found) and ends up scaring people away. How can people relate to you if they think you've got it all together?
No one is perfect. We all have issues. We all have insecurities and locked-closet secrets. I have always feared that if I let people peek in that closet or under the mask, they'll take one last look at me, shake their head in disgust and book it for the hills. I've feared that if people find out what I might be like when I want to be alone, when I'm angry or tired or at my wits end, that they'll not want to be around me anymore. ... And leave. Because that has happened before. And my defense: leave first. Either way, it's not dealing with the problem.

And here I am. Lethargic. Apathetic. Indifferent. Burned out. Depressed. Not the 'normal' positive-optomistic-glass half full-happy go lucky -Sharlene.
I just want the couch and some distracting tv program. I burst into tears at the thought of having to share what's wrong - simply because I don't know what's wrong. I've never felt this way before and I don't like it. I don't eat because I'm not hungry - then I feel lightheaded and remember I haven't had any protein for 2 days.
I don't enjoy anything.
I don't want anything.
I'm not suicidal but I don't want to live. I pray that God would just call me back to him in the middle of the night and I'll be done with it all.

But nope. Here I am. Still alive. Still working, living, breathing. And I'm trying to figure out what I want from my life. I'm trying to figure out what those desires are, the repressed wants burning holes in my heart. I'm working at discovering who I am.

In this though, I've never received more love from my closest friends- and people I never expected. I've never felt so cared for, so loved for who I am. Digging through the justifications of why particular people hang out with me, I've come up with none for some of them. I've told them I have nothing to offer, and yet they tell me they want me around. It doesn't make sense to be because my 'understanding' has been so works-based. I don't expect the same from others because I'm honored to have them in my life -- I've just never thought they would feel the same way.
Until recently.

And now, it's harder. Breaking deep rooted negative beliefs about oneself is HARD. When they're uprooted, there are gaping, bleeding, sensitive holes -- and my first instinct is to fill them with other dirt just waiting to fall... but I can't. I need to let them heal - and be filled with life, with things pure and honest, with love and hope, with Jesus and His promises.

So I've spent some of my couch time remembering when things were "good" and what joy felt like. I've spent some time sharing with my closest friends what my heart is feeling and why -and observed their stunned reactions to everything I have been hiding. And they still want me around. They sit there and nod, thanking me for the explanation. And they let me sit in their company with no expectations.
One of them asked me what makes me happy -- and I said I didn't know. He told me he doesn't expect anything from me, that I just have to be me.
I told him that what I've experienced with him and his best friend has been so unusual for me - and I recounted one night with them, driving around neighboring towns until early in the morning.
Just being.
How in that moment of pure life and joy of company with no requirements, I can recount-with a smile on my face- just how I felt and questioned how on earth I was so lucky to be there in that moment. How that moment will forever be etched in my mind and stored in my pocket. Stored in my amulet. How many other moments like those - of pure belonging and true friendship in hugs and time together- are stored close to my heart in that amulet, only to be retreived in dark times like this as glimmers of hope that joy comes in the morning. They're the warmth for my hurting soul and wounded heart. Some days, I spend more time reflecting than living in the present. If I don't focus on the pain, time allows my heart to heal.

All of this deeply impresses on me the importance of community. Of honesty. Of sharing life with people -whether it's seemingly broken life, or moments of joyful bliss.
We need good times and we need moments of brokenness. We need to feel alone to recognize when we're in great company.

And I, an innately positive person, need to understand deep sadness, depression and apathy so I can empathize with, appropriately care for and provide meaningful counsel to those that live it.
And I'll encourage them - and tell them what I see in them. I'll be sure to inform them what I feel they need to know - what God wants them to know. What I'll have to offer won't be based out of book recommendations for affirmation, but rather, from an honest heart to just be there with them and walk with them. Sometimes the greatest help isn't to do things for someone, but to support them as they try to do it for themselves.

And for me, I'll keep extracting memories of past and creating moments of good - to hold in my heart, my amulet, for those low days that will continue to come and discourage. I'll fight.

There's a season for everything under the sun. And so long as we're alive, seasons change. We may not always have those meaningful people with us - but we can choose what we carry with us, in our amulets. We can choose our weapons and the decision to fight. Jesus wins in the end. And that's something to hold to, to look to, and to keep us going.

What's valuable. What's worth it?

"It's not worth it". Her fingers held tightly to the plastic water bottle and her right knee bounced nervously as she glanced from me to the other faces around the table then back down at the bottle. It was as if she was gaining energy from that bottle, the label peeled off many minutes ago and the water emptied many minutes before that. You could see tears on the edge of her lower eyelids, ready to spill over any second. She swallowed and then glanced up at me one more time.

I met her eyes and asked "What would be worth it?"

Her answer was quick. "Nothing. Ever. I'm not going through this again."

I've been in this situation all too many times.

While she was referring to theft, the subject of our conversation could be anything - anything we compromise ourselves in doing, in being, in living the life we own.

In what do we find worth it? What is valuable? What are we willing to compromise. And for what? A fleeting moment of pleasure? That rush of excitement and thrill to break us out of our boredom? To embrace a moment of feeling alive?

Have we become robots? Have we become zombies? (Gah, I detest the term... those darn movies have annoyed me).

It's as if we walk around doing what we feel we should do instead of what we want to do? Are we caught in some assembly-line life because we're obligated to it? What if we broke out of that dead-man-walking line and escaped to the zig-zag pathway of less walked terrain and truly experienced something different?

Who are the Jones' and why do we have to keep up with them? Why does culture define the age we make choices and the path those choices are supposed to take us? I've read "dare to be different" so many times, nodded my head in agreement, stomped my foot in affirmation and then received a reprimand for following through on that dare.

Why aren't we living? Why are we numbing ourselves and then complaining about the lack of feeling?

We need to find our worth. We need to find our value -- in who we are. Not in our circumstances. Not in events. Not in people. In us. We need to find it in ourselves - in who we were made to be. Not in our job title or resume descriptions. In who you are. In the child of God that you were created as. In the fact that God loved you FIRST. In who He made you to be. You. Who YOU are...

Find life in yourself.

And live it.

Reflections....

WOW.

Last Thursday I received and accepted an offer for a new position at work - Program Coordinator. This concludes a crazy yet amazing year. One year ago I started working officially in my current position- Case Worker -only after going thru a tough interview that led to the biggest spiritual attack I've ever gone through in my life. Here I am one year later. There have been highs and there have been lows... but through it, God taught me some pretty amazing things. I feel different, I work differently, I'm moving forward into a crazy future of wherever God is leading me.
In all of this were some integral friends, friends that I sent this to by email and friends I SOO appreciate for how God has used them to influence my life.


I can only imagine - uh, no I can't really - all that God has for me in the next year. For real....


Let me explain. I have seen SO much in my life and in the lives of others that has really challenged me, encouraged me and PUSHED me into a deeper intimacy with Jesus. You see, that spiritual attack in starting my job at The Boys and Girls Club could have only meant one thing - that Satan did NOT want me employed there - that he wanted me to doubt myself and my ability to be effective in any capacity. Bam. He lost that battle. Jesus won....
A lot of what I've gone through at work has made me into a stronger person. I had the best co-worker ever (thank you Lana!!, a million times over. Her truthful words were good on SO many occasions. Altho I lose her as a work buddy, I will always have her as a sister and friend, no matter where God takes her! *ahem* -- something about "he needed to pee in my bed" comes to mind...Ask me another time.) who really made my job as enjoyable as it was.
I was a part of "Twelve" (a city-wide young adults event) and grew in fellowship with some awesome people - I MC'd the Twelve events and became introduced to the "Men of the House". Ha! I was asked to "speak" at The House, a church that I had started attending, coached by one of the leaders there. God poured into me in and through that experience. I learned that I AM capable of doing so many things provided that I lean on the true I AM. I closed a few doors on other "obligations" and was freed from draining ties. I prayed for "help" with finances and God answered 2 days later with a summer job at The House. ..... SO fitting...


I have since learned to prioritize my efforts and energies. God's helped me to recognize that I don't have to please everyone. I grew passionate in the worship of prayer, realizing that prayer can be pretty awesome. I've found friends that I can laugh uncontrollably with - especially by the campfire light! Friends have challenged and encouraged me during coffee dates. I went through a couple relationships that really killed my heart but made me so much stronger! Jesus had to break some of the idols in my life that were keeping me from Him. You don't realize how hard that can be until you go through it. I learned to confront people that were stepping on my toes -- a type of pain I would normally just "deal" with, hoping all the while that the other person will just walk away. I've learned to realize my value in Christ and how I am worth so much more than I have often let myself believe that I am. I had a friend tell me that her and her friends watch my life and are encouraged by how I live -- thus causing me to start examining all that they are watching, knowing that I have to be held accountable to more than just me for how I live. I had another friend give me a word from God - a word that has been sticking with me ever since: "If you can't see it, you can't have it." I never thought those few simple words could become the motto for this past year.


I discovered that there is NO other place I would rather be in this world than in the presence of God. (wow....). I drove down by myself to Jesus Culture in California. It's hard to really explain what happened because I believe that my way of thinking is different -- therefore I can't really compare to how I used to think. Does that make sense? Let me explain. According to neuropsychology, when you learn something new you can change your thinking. By that I mean that your actual brain anatomy changes. Neural pathways that synapses fire on are created and followed while others die off due to lack of use. Therefore, if you're activating different pathways after an experience, you can't "think" the same because you're not using the older pathways. Did I just confuse you all the more? Ah well... I tried. What I'm trying to say is that at Jesus Culture, Jesus touched my heart and mind with different realizations and passions so that when I drove home I was thinking differently than when I went down there. I had new desires, I had a renewed sense of purpose. I had more of Jesus and a stirring to seek more and more of Him....


I came back from the experience uncertain as to where I would be though - jobwise, lifewise... A pastor and friend down there told me I should move down and work at his church with them.... My heart really wanted to stay. Another friend told me to stay so that he could see where my giftings were -- possibly getting me a job with Jesus Culture itself. Uh.... yes please?! I knew it wasn't the right timing though. I had 'stuff' to sort through back home. I knew God wasn't' done with me here .... I came back to the offer of staying on at The House as an intern for the school year. I came back to the reality that my co-worker at the Boys and Girls Club was going to resign. I came back to a pastor challenging me on creating a singular focus in my spiritual life so that God can use me in full -- that I not distribute myself but define my outpour. I came back to some some stretching in becoming the woman God has designed me to be. Can I see it? How badly do I want it? Jesus was telling me to step up - He was asking me to take some leaps of faith, to take a few steps higher in my journey with Him. ..


So, when I wrote this last Thursday -- I was sitting in a church/student lounge/arts venue working one of my 2 evening shifts a week, being present in case students wanted to come and study. I am there to make hot beverages, chat, encourage, serve. That night, there was no one there. I had my music on loud and I was waiting for the washer to finish so I could go home. There, I have access to as much (or as little) chai latte's as I want. I'm in such a present place of God-filled peace that I can't feel anything but excited for the future. Monday (today) I started training "for real" for the *new* job I accepted last week. This week things get a bit busier at The House. In the next couple months I'm probably moving out on my own with a roomie to a house downtown.


One year. So much happened in ONE year. 365 days. I'm SOOOO excited for this next year. If God takes me south, I'm ready. If God builds more things here for me, I'm ready. If God takes me home, I'm ready. The only place I want to be is in His presence - the physical location doesn't matter much at all.
I do have to say though, He sure has given me some of the most amazing people I have ever met to encourage, challenge, love on, hug, cry with, laugh with, and hang out with. I have told them who they are. I thank God for them, MANY TIMES OVER - for putting up with me, for blessing me. I can honestly say that sometimes I sit in disbelief that the amazing people that they are care enough about me to spend their energy or time or words on someone like me. I'm blessed beyond belief and so unworthy. I can only hope and pray that they continued to stick around. ;)


“You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result” - Ghandi

Dynamite...

Do you ever feel like a stick of dynamite? Or one of those round bombs? or something that's going to explode? ...
I, for the last while, have felt like something inside of me wants to explode, burst, breakforth, .. SOMETHING.

And I don't mean that I'm in any kind of pain, not that kind of "explode", but rather in the sense that there's something inside of me I really need to let out. A good scream. A rant. SOMETHING.

It's like a psychological burp, waiting to come up...

And it will, I know it will...

I just need some good intense worship time with Jesus, I think.
Wow...
I'm listening to "I exalt thee" by Jesus Culture.. .Whoa. .. This song, this song... wow, it lights the spark within me....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-lY8VQpSTY

Wow. Life. Wow. God...

Life is what you make it, or rather, it is what you take from what happens as you live...

Wow...
I think i've stopped spinning, momentarily. Seriously.
No. I haven't come to a complete standstill as I am still moving. I just stopped SPINNING.

All I can say is, wow, God is good. No... God is amazing. He is faithful. He is ALWAYS there, and he sure gosh-darn-it knows what's BEST.

After speaking at The House on Feb 7, I went through what I like to call 7 weeks of hell. Yes. 7. The first week was pure torment and a questioning of EVERY relationship I have. I put some friends through the ringer; through some drills of questions about whether they even care about me. I felt affirmed, but it wasn't good enough. ... it was never good enough.
While dealing with the spiritual attack, God decided that having me in a vulnerable place might be a good time to allow some other trials/struggles/storms to overtake my mind. Yup... major storms.
In it though, I realized that I had created an idol in my life. I realized that I had been way too concerned about pleasing someone other than Him. During a worship night I prayed to see Jesus, I prayed to experience His presence, I told God I wished he could just be here in the flesh... In that prayer it was as if Jesus then said to me "okay Sharlene, if I showed up and asked you to come with me - leaving all else behind, would you come?" ... My first thought convicted me to the core. Rather than HECK YES!! it was "but... umm.. can _____ come too? Are they staying behind?"
At that moment my heart sank. Jesus whispered a "see...? see what you're putting before me? Learn to leave that behind and I'll take you on an adventure."

UGH...
That night started a shift. It let me to realizing that i NEEDED to let go of any distractions that would keep me from seeing God's full potential in my life.
Shortly before Christmas I met this guy named David. David has this unique and amazing connection with God - he is SO full of the Spirit, sensitive to God's voice like no one else I have ever met, and he LIVES out passion. On one of my worst days, David came up to me after church and gave me a hug, calling me 'sweetie' and looking me in the eye saying "you're really struggling right now, aren't you?" I looked at him, my eyes filling with tears as that was SO the truth. He nodded saying "I know. The Spirit told me." He put his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me then said "I think I have a word for you. God gave me this word last weekend, I didn't know who it was for, but I believe it's for you..." He opened his book and proceeded to read "If you can't see it, you can't have it." He closed his book and looked at me. "I don't know if it's for you, but pray about it and see if God tells you something in that..."
I came to realize it WAS for me. I came to acknowledge that if i can't "see" the potential other people see in me, or what God sees in me, or what God has planned for me, -- if i choose NOT to "see" it.. I can't HAVE it. God will not give me anything I don't ask for, that I don't believe in faith for.
If i refuse to build my giftings or test out my passions, why will God give me ways to use them in greater capacities? If I can't do anything with little, why will He give me much?
Huh.
Wow.
Confidence, my dear girl, CONFIDENCE.
Needless to say, I let go of my idol (HARD! but GOOD!). I took a step forward. I choose to surround myself with individuals who edify me and build me and pour into me. I in turn am able to BUILD others up with what God gives me in all of this.
I CHOOSE Joy in the morning. I CHOOSE to trust God with my life. I try to see past my own insecurities and subjective view to see what God might see in me and my life. I am looking at the big picture, rather than the single and narrow perspective I'm living in.
I've started to hang out more with David (and friends) - he's only 24 and he lives like this.. Wow. Such an inspiration. We believe God wants us to live in Him and His love ALL. THE. TIME. ...

I'm seeing what God has brought me through. I'm seeing what God is teaching me. It's so satisfying. I'm investing my life in the lives of some freakin' amazing people. During the week, i have regular "functions" for 5 out of the 7 nights. I'm getting to know this amazing girl every monday night, Tuesdays find me at K-HOP (Kelowna House of Prayer). Wednesdays I joined a Bible Study that looks at Finding the Will of God in Your Life. Thursdays - young adults. The other two fill up with random events/coffee dates/parties ... anything, and Sundays nights - The House. I am hardly home. ... but it's for God's glory! I LOVE it all. Being THIS busy is a blessing in that none of these events tear me down. I'll hang out with David in a group and he'll suddenly look at me and say "Do you feel Him? God? Do you feel Him?"... or, while sitting at my feet this past weekend he looked up at me and asked "What verse are you meditating on right now? What is God speaking to you about?"... He believes that any conversation that does NOT involve God is boring. He wants to do NOTHING but learn GOD. It blows me away. It causes me to look up. It blesses my heart. David blesses my heart.

In the midst of my struggle, in the midst of me realizing I've been worshiping other things than Jesus, God gives me a good influence of a guy like David... Or Heidi - a girl who is also so into the spirit that she'll come walking up to you and just look at you and say "you have this crazy joy inside you, it makes me dizzy! God loves that you carry it!" Their hearts are in sync with what God wants to do. It makes me want to be that in tune with Jesus, to be able to speak into lives like they have in mine, to be able to tell people what God wants them to hear!

It's through these situations and these people that I KNOW God is real. So unbelievably real. My heart is excited for what God has next....
WAHOO!! :D

Wow, it has been a while...

Okay..
So there is FAR too much to update as a whole so I'll just throw this out there..

I got the opportunity to speak at The House (one of my most favorite places) and have been asked to be in a form of leadership there. A few of my friends missed out on hearing me and I didn't think the night was recorded... but .. it was!! Go figure.. I may end up speaking again. I have yet to start working on what God wants me to "talk" on.

http://www.thehouseonline.ca/Church/Podcast/Entries/2010/2/11_House_Feb_7_2010.html

There ya are...

I MAY have a part time job coming up in that same lovely environment (The House) -- it was offered unofficially so I have yet to wait and see. I'm excited about it as it may be a HUGE answer to prayer for me...

My friends are lovely -- they keep me going.
I'm still super tight with the Teen Challenge crew. Probably too much so - but that is something I'm working on. They are some of the most amazing men though... i'm "addicted"...

I'm sure there's more I can talk about but... , this was for you Patti :)