I've come to realize that I'm better off being friends with guys that are taken. And by friends, I mean really good friends. Like brothers. But not.
The only problem is, they have a girl, and all too often those girls do not like me.
To be blunt, guys like me. They find me entertaining. I'm easy to be with. I don't try to jump them and I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Straight up, I'm looking for a husband. If I determine that they're not what I want to marry, they're in the friend zone and get to hang out with me without the worry of anything else. Well, until they want more, or I need them too much. Then it gets complicated and I avoid a conversation and push them away in silence until things are no longer awkward...
Well, ... okay. That's how it works in my head. But, I also have a history of screwing up those idyllic situations and making them weird. I lose friends. And it sucks. Girls either have girl-crushes on me, or they hate me.
Why can't we all just be friends?
One day it'll all make sense, it'll be okay, and I'll have a husband whom I'll have to be able to trust hanging out with girls that are not me. Wait, what? No.. ... uh. Yes. I'll trust him. Shoot. Just call me the queen of double standards.
My point?
Oh yes..
I had these two guy friends -- back... 3 years ago. I crushed on one of them but he didn't like me, the other one crushed on me but I didn't like him. Things got sticky. My heart broke. God took them both away from me because i made them into idols. I depended WAY too much on them. It was the hardest thing ever.
Fast forward to now: both of them have amazing gals. One's been married over a year, the other is getting married in a matter of weeks. And what is even more amazing than their gals, is the fact that God has completely - and i mean completely- repaired my heart and our friendships. No joke. It brings tears to my eyes to think about. These are 2 Godly men that God put in my life to learn from. I did learn, a lot. They were a significant part of my growing up process. The problem was that I attached myself to them rather than to Jesus. And now, after all of this letting go and giving up and surrendering and missing.. (I would still cry on occasion, missing their friendships, years later)... they're back in my life in a healthy way. No awkwardness, no worry, no concern. And I love them so, so much. I love their wives. I love their hearts. I love that I can be friends with them.
And I love that they love me.
That they forgave me and my foolish heart.
Praise Jesus for forgiveness and healing and new life. Praise Him that His plan is so much better than mine can be.
I threw my heart into the sea, with everything that it contained. But it came back to me, washed and clean, purified and new.
Wow.
